I have given up

Me, 45HLM and my wife 42 LLF, have been married for twenty years and have two children, one elementary and one graduating hs next year.

My wife is a good person. She is someone I know would stick around me if something bad would happen and I needed help for the rest of my life. That makes it hard to leave, plus the kids.

My wife doesn’t need sex. I was her first. She wasn’t mine but I was still very inexperienced so I thought we would learn together but we didn’t. Vanilla. She has numerous rules, including I can’t perform oral on her. No touching her body, except for a couple spots. She willingly performs duty sex whenever I would want it. I don’t want it anymore.

Like I said, she is not a sexual person. She does not masterbate, never talks about finding others hot. Our sex life in the beginning was frequent but since marriage it’s a half a dozen times a year with the exception of trying for kids. I have to initiate.

We haven’t had sex since Feb 13th. We celebrated Valentine’s Day early because of scheduling. She got drunk and we had good sex. In fact the only time we have had sex since the end of last year, she has been drinking. She is totally different when she drinks, she is loose, open, initiates and a lot of rules are out the window. But every time she has initiated since the end of last year, she has been drinking. Leads me to believe she only can enjoy or want to have sex with me when she’s drunk.

Last year she tried a lot more, we were having sex a few times a week from may until the end of the year. However, that only happened after I caught her sending some inappropriate messages to another guy. The messages were from a Couple years ago, didn’t see anything outright cheating, she denied and I have been keeping an eye since.

I can’t do it anymore. I haven’t initiated in awhile. She has tried, again while drinking, but I shut her down. She doesn’t argue. I stopped cuddling her, stopped trying for dates, etc, but only the last few months. I’m done. She hasn’t said a word about it.

We don’t argue. The kids are really physically, mentally and emotionally well adjusted kids. I’m not a grass is greener guy, my looks aren’t the best (may be part of the problem for her). I’ll never leave her. I need to figure out life on my own.

How do I live life, maintaining my marriage, but living a happy well adjusted life beyond it?