My Faith Faded the Closer I Got to Church Leadership

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share something that’s been on my heart for a while, and maybe get some perspective from others who’ve experienced something similar.

I’ve been slowly stepping away from my faith not because I suddenly stopped believing in God, but because I got closer to church leadership and experienced firsthand how toxic it can be.

I joined the leadership college at the church I’ve attended since I was a kid. It was advertised as a place to grow in faith and community, but the reality was full of cliques, gossip, and exclusion. There were only about 20 people in the program, and it felt like high school drama all over again people talking behind each other’s backs, having conversations that were unkind and judgmental, even in church settings. When I didn’t engage in that kind of talk, I started noticing I was being left out of things or treated like an outsider.

Even outside of the college, I stayed involved in ministries and tried to serve in different areas—like stage hosting, which I’d done before. I asked the young adults pastor about getting involved again, and he said he’d get me connected, but I never heard back. A week later, he gave the role to one of his friends. Then he did the same thing with someone else. When I brought it up, he downplayed it, saying I was overreacting. But it was clear he was only giving opportunities to people in his circle.

After we had that conversation, I noticed I was being cropped out of group photos on the young adult ministry’s Instagram page. It was petty and honestly just childish behavior. One of his close friends also a pastor who helped lead some of the groups I was in through leadership college and the young adults ministry, would completely ignore me in group settings, even though we had to interact. He would acknowledge and speak to everyone else in the room except me. When I asked if there was an issue between us, he just said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have to talk to you if I don’t want to.” It was wild, especially coming from someone in ministry leadership.

Eventually, I stepped away from all of it. I stopped attending the young adults ministry and pulled out of the small groups. And honestly? My mental health drastically improved. My depression lifted. I had more energy. I wasn’t bed-ridden anymore. At first, I thought my struggles were personal or chemical, but once I left that church environment, I realized how deeply unhealthy and damaging it had been.

More recently, I tried giving Christianity another shot by applying to serve at a Christian summer camp. At the time, I thought it could work out financially, but then some unexpected life events happened most significantly, my roommate passed away, and I had to suddenly take on rent and living expenses on my own. I let the camp know I wouldn’t be able to move forward, especially since the pay was only $180 a week and I had bills and rent to cover.

I figured that was the end of it. But today I got a call from someone on the camp staff, and the tone was extremely rude and condescending. They said they were “disappointed” I backed out and demanded a “legitimate reason” why I wasn’t going to be there. I explained what happened, and instead of showing compassion, I got attitude. Again.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve noticed a pattern many of the Christian spaces I’ve been in seem to care more about appearances, loyalty, and control than they do about grace, kindness, or truth. It’s hurtful. And it’s pushed me further away from the faith than anything else ever could.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I’m still figuring out what I believe, but I know I needed to get this out. If anyone else has experienced this, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.