I hate my dad but I am jealous of the relationship he has with my little sister, how do I stop feeling like this?.

I 15M am jealous of the relationship my 12F sister has with my dad even though I hate him. My entire life my dad has been addicted to drugs and has constantly been in and out of rehab and jail, he would only “truly” get clean when he would live with my sister and her mom, but with me I would get the abusive drug addicted version of my dad, and I have been there and seen it all (even when he has been passed out in the bathroom after getting high). I have been there through his drug induced rages and I hate him but my sister has not been there to see it. She still see our dad as a good man and they are constantly texting each other but I haven’t heard from him since Christmas and it makes me mad, not yelling mad or anything near that but I hate how he tries to communicate with her, but with me it’s been radio silent although it is partially on me cause I haven’t reached out either, but that’s not what I’m jealous of (it’s confusing I know) but it’s been like this since she was born, I would constantly try to talk to my dad and get him to love me, he would say how “There’s a special connection with the first born” but always treated me like an after thought and since he’s the only parent I had in my life at the time it hurt so bad. I would constantly text him and most of the time I wouldn’t get a response back, so eventually, I stoped texting.

I want to like my dad but I have seen him at his worse and I can’t think of him the same but my sister adores him and thinks he’s the best person in the world and I’m jealous of that, I’m jealous that they have an actual relationship and me and him don’t, I love my sister but my jealousy has gotten to the point where I don’t want to talk to her and try to avoid her. As far back as I can remember he has been my only parent and I just want my dad back, I hate him so much to the point if my future son was like my dad I would disown him, so why did I want my dad? He’s miss every major thing in my life up to this point and has constantly shown me I don’t matter to him. I’m jealous that my little sister gets a mom and dad and I don’t. I want so bad to tell my sister about all the stuff our dad has done and has done to me but I couldn’t live with myself to hurt her like that because after all she is my sister and I love her. I want a real family, especially my dad. How do I stop feeling like this?

Sorry if this is written poorly, this is my first ever time posting on Reddit and getting my thoughts out like this.