I long for what could have been.

I had this girl show interest in me back in high school and now recently she has been on my mind all day. All I can think about is how I let her slip away. I got too in my head about what it would mean to be in a relationship and never felt comfortable being in high school and dealing with my own personal issues and family issues, whilst being with her. But she also could never communicate to me what she wanted exactly. And I supposed I’d rather distance myself than look like an idiot. But I guess that backfired. She has had a boyfriend for 4 years and is planning to move in with him all the way to a different state. She told me this information recently. Maybe that’s why I can’t stop thinking about her. I think it feels to me that I have OFFICIALLY lost her forever. I wish I would’ve told her how I felt about her but I was so scared of love I guess. Now it’s been 4 years since I let her go and I have grown so much emotionally…mentally… physically.. I wish I had another shot with her and could show her. She was just everything I desired, but I messed it up. I know I have to move on, and I can’t hope her own relationship will fail because she deserves the best and maybe he is the best for her. But I also never had a chance to show her my growth. She was with him, while sending me messages saying that she wishes it were me instead. It’s been years since that, I think she was just new to the relationship. I wish she gave me a bit of time, and I wish I would’ve spoken up. Hahaha a lot of wishful thinking. My last wish I think would be for me to have the courage to say all of what I wrote to her soon before she seemingly leaves my life forever. I might see her soon, we seem to be good friends but life has been busy for us. She’s on a vacation… maybe I have the time to build my courage. Hahaha I’m rambling now… thanks to all who will read.