Family death + cut off family

I’m new to reddit so I know I’m probably not using the proper Reddit grammar, so apologies. I’m turning 20 soon so if that puts perspective on my issue. Also don’t want to give too much personal as I hope none of the family I cut off see this. So my grandma passed away kinda Suddenly yesterday morning, didn’t know it was happening. She had a stroke that left her unable to speak, but she also was very difficult to work with. She would always say she was “hurting” but it was an attention thing, as it’s been going on almost 15 years since. So something was wrong and she was just about to get a ct scan this week, and she was unresponsive and then passed right after we got the call she was passing, so she passed without any family there. I was never that close to her as she had her stroke when I was younger. But, I do remember what she was like before the stroke. I wasn’t the favorite grandkid I will tell you that, I never knew why though. Everyone had a name for her, but I was the only grandchild not allowed to. She was just grandma __(last name). And my other grandma I was way more closer to. My other grandma has dementia (?, not diagnosed, she’s also very old). And I go over and take care of her, so emotionally a lot going on for me. And yesterday right after leaving the nursing home I had to go straight and watch my grandma. I broke down crying to her just overwhelmed by everything. I’m not new to death at all, which makes this all just feel weird. I feel really guilty not seeing my grandma, I didn’t live that far away. I just didn’t know what to do. It was always so hard to go see her, she refused anything you brought her. I feel like I’m okay now about feeling guilty, I just keep reminding myself I can’t live in guilt. There wasn’t much I could do anyways. So, Both of my grandpas are passed on, so this grandma who just passed, her husband (so my grandpa) passed a few years ago. My mom passed coming up 8 years this year, which is insane to think about. So this is kinda where it leads to family issues. When my mom was passing it was a very slow and painful 3 months. 3. Her siblings weren’t there for her at all, because she didn’t tell them. She only didn’t tell them because they never checked in and asked how she was doing, as she was battling cancer for a while. She didn’t want to give them that, and tell them straight up. If they cared for her, they would’ve known what was happening. That was incredibly strong of her to do and really shows what an amazing person she was. So when they found out she passed it was sudden. My aunt walked out and made a scene at her funeral. But what really stuck with me was after my mom passed, I never heard anything from them. They never reached out. They never asked how I was doing. Family and family FRIENDS really came in and helped me as much as they can, as I was so young. Non family did so much more than they could ever think of, and I’ll never forget that. So, I’m been on non speaking terms since my grandpa passed a head after my mom did. I mean, it wasn’t like they cared to reach out or anything. But seeing them yesterday, it really hurt me. I didn’t want to see them. I never wanted to see their faces ever again. I will always remember what they DIDNT do. But it’s just painful for me, so many emotions and memories coming up from years ago. And seeing my grandma dead in the room with family I never wanted to see again, it brought up a lot of trauma for me I didn’t even know I had. My dad keeps reminding me to just do what my mom wanted to do. Don’t say anything mean to them to start anything, just do what she would’ve wanted. I wasn’t prepared to see them, I didn’t know she was passing soon. It was like I had no time to understand what was happening. They did lose their mom, even tho I don’t think they were really ever there for her either, it’s still their mom. My dad was trying to make small talk and talked a little about me and my life, and after I was angry. I didn’t want them to have that. They didn’t earn to know anything about me, they never cared to. So why would I let them have that. I don’t really know what advice to get. I probably will delete this once it passes over. I’ve never felt so weird in my life. I really hope after all this, I’ll never see them ever again.