I’m a true burden and don’t know how to stop it

Some important context, I was born blind. With no family history of any kind of disability, my diagnoses came with anger, sadness, anxiety and a lot of guilt for my parents. It also was a big factor into my sister having to be the definition of a parentified oldest daughter. Because of this, I always felt guilty for my existence. Like my family would be much happier just the three of them. Through out school I was bullied, had an EA, and most of my friends were made out of pity or teachers/parents guidance, my sister resented me (rightfully so), and constant high alert for my mom. This all played a role in me feeling like a burden from a very young age. That, and genetics, lead to a very rough battle with depression from 11-19. I decided that the only way I could make up for being blind was to be the most extreme people pleasers by therapist has seen. Well, I went to college at 19 to show that I could be an actual functioning person to everyone who doubted me. Shocker, it was a learning curve. But after five years of living away from my family, and therapy, I’ve been able to come off as a completely “normal” independent person, gain some self worth, and slow down on the people pleasing.

A lot has happened this year, facing a close and DEVASTATING loss. I’ve also been experiencing the worst anxiety/PTSD panic for the last year. So I’ve been very much not myself. Which made me to emotionally shut down.

Because of that, I lost some very important friends to me. In my logical, post therapy mind, this is because of natural distancing due to me not being emotionally or mentally available. But my sad teen brain is reconvinceing myself that I am just a burden. That being a part of my life costs more than it’s worth.

My emotions bubbled over tonight, I had a complete breakdown because of one question. A friend last minute invited me to go camping. She lives two hours away from me where there is no trains and minimal buses. So my mom offered to drive me half way, where I could meet a bus. But the timing of my friend leaving for camping, and the bus didn’t match. So I was exhausting all my options, one of which was to ask my mom to drive me a little further, where my friend would be able to come meet us while still sticking to a time crunch. Which my mom responded to with

“Why do you always put this stuff on other people?”

This broke me. Why? Because I’m an emotional person. Probably too emotional lol. I have not been able to stop crying for an hour, had an anxiety attack, and have a pain in my chest that I haven’t felt since being a teen. I know it’s one sentence, that my mom thought ment nothing. But that one sentence just confirmed every fear I’ve had for my entire conscious life.

I have no idea what to do anymore that will lessen the burden of my disability on others. I really do try. People pleasing broke my soul, but relying on others is a heart break I can’t explain.

I will never have true freedom in my life, and I will always be a burden.

Idk why I’m posting this, I just feel like it needs to be said “out loud” and I can’t afford therapy. Feel free to rip me apart in the comments, I probably come off as a total bitch in this lolll.