How to calculate my Handicap but don’t use retarded terms

I love to golf. It gets me outside, I enjoy it. It’s a blast. I can par a Par 5 and follow it up with a triple bogey on a Par 3. What I can’t figure out is how to calculate my handicap. And every time I try to it just uses fucking terms like scoring differential and slop rating.

Can someone please explain it with common language. If you have to use bullshit terms, at least tell me what those are and where to find/calculate those. Thank you!