First time post. I don't really know what tag to use tbh. Just kinda sitting here, drunk and vulnerable. I guess I didn't realize my relationship was abusive until recently, which feels stupid considering my parent's relationship was abusive on all sides. I'm married (together 5 but married almost two), disabled but without the benefits, working an under the table job, with a dependent BIL, a disabled mom living in the same house and a roommate. I feel trapped by all my obligations, financial or otherwise.

I used to pride myself on my memory, in spite of the fact I really should have blocked out most of it. I wish I could forget the way my husband's hands felt around my throat when he lifted me up and strangled me. I wish I could forget the multiple times he's torn me down as a person to the point that I feel less than. But I don't. I don't have that coping mechanism. I remember every second of fear, pain, isolation, worthhlessness and on and on.

I want to go to a shelter, but I have four cats with him. He's said he would put three of my babies in the humane shelter and with two of them being elderly, I'm worried they would be transferred to the kill shelter to be euthanized after some ofd time of not being adopted. Not to mention the stress of going from a home environment to a shelter one. I'm worried they'll die from the stress tbh.

I'm also worried about losing my one chance at happiness. Losing my chance at freedom. I posted on snapchat awhile back a suggestive photo after a particularly explosive and physical argument. A guy I hooked up with before snapped me and we vibed immediately, we had fallen out of touch in the first place because of my relationship.

At first, he was so attentive and worried about me, I kept trying to downplay how things are because Idk what else to do. Feels like a cardinal sin when someone worries about me. We talked everyday, he wanted to see me often, replied back quickly, fizzled out recently. I can only assume it's because of my relationship and the fact that I'm still stuck in it. I had kept up the lie that he was my friend's boyfriend for almost two months, didn't pan out. Not only that but he has the only copies of pictures of my injuries in existence.

I was forced to block AP awhile back but got away with it because my husband uses snapchat never and didn't know blocking and removing takes away the chat log. He neer figured it out. Now, he checks them whether or not this guy even wants to talk to me, he can't anymore. Honestly, I realize it's probably better that he doesn't, considering the circumstances.

I've been making a plan. It isn't easy since 1. I'm a bleeding heart and 2. Financial reasons and 3. I can't leave unless I wanna ruin the only friendship I have now (our roommate is my best/only friend) and 4. I don't have a license or a way to get one because of my mom. Maybe she would understand if I left. Maybe, she wouldn't. Either way, I need a roommate to be able to afford life after a shelter (pls don't read into this and think I only wanna be friends eith my best friend/roommate for rental purposes). Freedom feels so close. And yet... I feel so guilty for wanting out. He's hurt me, emotionally and physically, and I still feel sick to my stomach at the thought of destroying him by leaving. Even when I know he deserves it.

Sorry. Just soundboarding and been stuck in my own head I guess.

Repost: for clarity and also because I found the video I sent to the cops the night my husband got arrested.

Idk what to title this tbh