I struggle to connect with others

I struggle to connect with others, and have for as long as I can remember. Relationships have been seemingly nothing more than an endless string of disappointments. Probably not the best way to look at things, but none of them have lasted, or been particularly fulfilling.

I've never felt as though I was truly "connected" with someone.

Its been extremely rare that I meet someone that I "like", for the most part I view others with ambivalence. I treat them with respect, I smile, hold the door, crack jokes, make the bare minimum amount of friendly small talk.

I'm fantastic at "playing the roles" necessary to coexist with polite society, I'm a successful salesman, but my attempts at vulnerability all end up feeling like failures. Nobody ever reciprocates, or takes initiative. Everytime Ive opened myself up with hope, it feels as though the world has to drive a stake into that vulnerable hole.

It feels as though nobody has ever taken in interest in me. Nobody knows who I am, what I think, what I like, what I want. Nobody has ever really even asked. I don't even really know who I am at this point either. Our identities as people are shaped based on how we reflect outward into an external world.

To give an example, a Doctor is a Doctor because they have a certificate, not because they said they're a doctor.

When you're like me, and feel invisible the only identity you really have is that you don't have an identity. That you're empty. A failure. A loser. An outcast. A loner. Etc.

My struggle is that I can't escape this identity. Its become so ingrained in who I am, who I've been for over 25 years. I want to have friends. I want to experience love. I want to care about others, and I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to matter. I want to feel important.

I want to connect!

But how? What do I need to do to connect? How do I meet the right people? Where do I go? What do I do?

I've been studying social skills, and understand how to pass as normal, but I'm most definitely not normal. The few times I've managed to get some interest from others, it always fades away quickly once I start to let the mask slip, and let my guard down.

The thing is nobody likes a loser. Nobody wants to be friends with the guy that has no friends. Nobody wants to make an investment in the "project" that might not pay out.

How do I find a real, and meaningful connection. I'm an adult now, and I can't relate with pretty much anyone I meet. Its like I'm a Macaroni penguin in a colony of Emperor penguins. Sure, I can shave my yellow hairs, but I just don't feel at home.

How can I, in my late 20s, meet and make meaningful friendships and relationships when I've never had one?

How can I learn to trust that others won't just continue to disappoint me?

How can I learn to take genuine interest in others?

What do I do with all the feelings of bitterness and jealously I feel towards the rest of my species for "leaving me behind"?

There are an endless possibility of questions that I could ask, but what it ultimately boils down to is, what do I do now.

What can I do now to set me in the right direction, what steps can I take to overcome this lifelong struggle.

How can I connect with others....?