Dark Night of the Soul - Depression - First Breakthrough - Dog = God

TW * suicidal ideation *

This is part 2 of The dark night of the soul. A period of very deep depression and despair on the way to unity consciousness.

The first couple of months were really bad. Over the course of about a year every time I thought I had reached a new low, I would fall even further into despair. I couldn't count the number of nights I sat on my bed considering which method of suicide would bring my family the least pain.

I had a collection of guns but I had a aversion to using one for several reasons. I wasn't active member of the sports shooting community and I did not want to bring the community shame by using a firearm to end my life and thus contributing to the statistics of death by firearm. I did not want the person or people who found me the overwhelmed with shock and horror ror at the mess I may leave behind.

I considered a bunch of other methods. I wasn't going to do what I attempted the first time because it didn't work for me then and I didn't want to come back this time. I wanted to ensure no possible chance of resuscitation but I figured this would involve catastrophic damage to my body which I loathed to subject somebody with.

The fact that I couldn't decide on a method is probably part of what helped save me. Most of this I really owed my dog. At this point I had felt so cold and empty that I couldn't feel anything other than despair. People didn't seem real anymore. Everyone seems like an NPC. I couldn't understand why anyone couldn't see how hurting I was just by looking at me and therefore I concluded they couldn't be real.

As I mentioned in part 1, my dog was the only real thing in my existence for about a year. The only thing I could feel emotion from and for. She had been with me for so long the thought of her wondering where her Daddy went was unacceptable. I just could not leave that dog in a world where nothing was real except her. If she were real then I was real and I must stay for her. I owed her that much.

Not only did she stop me from terminating my existence, she was my comfort. I cried into her fur so many nights. She also made me feel really sad at the same time because she was getting older and I knew that if she left me I wouldn't be far behind. I did not think that what was happening to me would ever end.

I did a lot of reading during this period. I started devouring books on a variety of topics like psychology, neuroscience, physics, philosophy and of course religion and spirituality.

As I would read these books sometimes I could feel the clouds clearing... Only to close back over after a couple of days. They were realizations and understandings but they were all intellectual. Nothing experiential. There was no peace for me anymore. No contentment. I began to understand the process and what had happened to me but I did not know how to get it back.

One of the more important books I discovered was by Dr Jenny Wade - Changes of Mind. A Holonomic Theory of the Evolution of Consciousness.

https://www.amazon.ca/Changes-Mind-Holonomic-Evolution-Consciousness/dp/0791428508

Her theory on the structure and levels of consciousness included transcendental/mystical states and something called unity consciousness. I had been looking for a name for what I experienced and her description in this book seem to fit best what it was I had felt experienced during my first moment of spiritual ecstasy.

This led me to another book she wrote - Transcendent Sex - When Lovemaking Opens the Veil.

https://www.amazon.ca/Changes-Mind-Holonomic-Evolution-Consciousness/dp/0791428508

This book details the mystical experiences of 94 people that occurred during the act of sex and/or orgasm.

This book was very helpful on a number of levels because half of what was responsible for what happened to me presented itself as orgasm and I of course associated orgasm with sex. It helped relieve a lot of anxiety and shame I had felt after its effect had faded because I began to question everything. Was that an orgasm or a seizure of some type. What could explain the amazing and strange State of mind that I found myself at afterward? Was I some sort of sexual deviant or pervert?

This book relieved me of much of that and I began to understand the connection between the two events. I had a reason that the near-death experience had relieved a lot of mental and emotional pressure when I found myself without the same sense of self that had always been with me. With most of my self out of the way it cleared the path for more pure and more powerful event. I began to understand that what I had experienced was what some practitioners would refer to a kundalini awakening.

Over the course of this year the depression waxed and waned. Sometimes the things I read would bring me some temporary relief or an understanding, but nothing stuck and I continue to fall deeper into despair.

One night as I sat on the edge of my bed crying yet again, my sweet dog sensing my need came into the room and lie down at my feet.

I absolutely lost it. I cried so hard that I actually threw up. It felt like my body was trying to purge itself of everything. I though I may shit myself and just didn't give a fuck. I cried in great rocking subs that left me starving for breath. My sinuses were filled with phlegm and puke. It was getting harder to breathe and I thought I may have a heart attack but I didn't care. So be it. A clean exit with no suicide. Let's go already.

But that's not what happened and I started to get mad. These were not tears of despair anymore but these were tears of absolute rage. I didn't even believe in God and I hated him for what he was doing to me. I screamed into that void... come on asshole give me all you got. Is this it? I felt a white hot rage.

Then the polarity switched.

I started to laugh. I laughed like a madman with tears coming out of my eyes. And then I started to come. Orgasm. An instant transmutation from sadness and despair to joy and mind bending ecstasy. I thought I might die or go insane from the pleasure and I didn't care. I surrendered to it completely. There was nothing but the Ecstasy.

I have no idea how long it lasted. I really did lose my mind at one point. There was no me anymore there was nothing but ecstasy and light. Just prior to losing my self completely it felt like I was floating above my own self watching this unfold. A sort of out-of-body experience like the near-death experience but it was different. I could feel my body at the same time and feel the Ecstasy but it was with a detached observation.

The strangest thing at all is that my dog had not moved at all during this entire event. I had been laughing, crying, raging, moaning, begging and I certainly wasn't stationary. Obscenely flailing about at points. Drooling. Vomit. I wet the bed again. All the while she was curled peacefully in her bed two feet away.

Normally my dog is very sensitive to my emotions. If I got angry she would quiver in a response despite knowing I wasn't mad at her and I had never hit her in my life. If I'm sad she will come closer and press her body against me. She slept through the entire thing which astonished me at the time. She did exactly what she needed to do, by the grace of God. She always knew exactly what to do. I would come to understand why much later in my journey.

For the next month everything was perfect. Life unfolded as it should. I was imbued with constant joy and Bliss. I felt much the same way I felt after the initial event. I was riding the high of the spiritual peak.

This time I knew it was probably going to fade and I did not stay idle. I continued my research and reading as I floated in the Grace of God.

This time I sort of knew what it was, where it took me, and offered a possible repeating route back to it. I didn't have all the answers by any means but I was putting it together.

This time as I was reading everything was making a lot of sense. I knew what these words were saying and what they were talking about, whereas before they might have been speaking in Greek for half of it.

Leveraging this new found understanding and wisdom, I started expanding my reading and also started various meditation practices. I purchased a biofeedback EEG device in order to better train my mind and chart my progress. I did not realize how essential and important this tool was going to turn out to be.

Coming soon, more on my meditative and spiritual discoveries.