I deeply resent other women who can express themselves in 'emotional' or 'annoying' ways, seemingly with no limits or consequences.

Late-20s F. I never post personal things online anymore and hate expressing myself in any vulnerable way to almost anyone. I mostly keep everything to myself. But I'm trying to find out if these feelings are common or felt by other women, and if there's any way around it.

Whenever I meet other women who speak unfiltered, who take up a ton of conversational space without gauging others' reactions or perceptions, who are openly critical of others, who freely talk about themselves, their lives, their pasts, their feelings and daily experiences... who feel free to crack jokes about how 'all men suck,' or talk to anyone who will listen about their mental or physical health struggles... in short, women who speak as if everyone around them cares what they have to say... I tend to dislike them immediately. I find them tacky, annoying, and cringy. I don't know if it's just that we're incredibly different types of people, or that I'm wildly jealous of them on some subconscious level. I don't know how there are other women who can act in ways that are distasteful or 'annoying' and they are still surrounded by people

Example 1: The wife of a friend through my current boyfriend. From the first day I met her last year I thought she was so goddamn annoying - she just talked and talked and talked, barely pausing to let anyone else contribute or ask questions, just unfiltered dialogue, no apparent regard for social cues. When I or someone else chimed in or segued to another topic, she would interject and finish whatever she had just been talking about. I learned so many personal things about her. She's obsessed with yaoi/gay romance in a way that I find fetishistic and once told me she doesn't like wlw/yuri fiction because "women are annoying" ??? despite being very openly progessive and 'an unapologetic feminist.' She has been very verbal about her weight loss journey and previous struggles with her health and with infertility. She and her husband recently had a baby and the entire time she was pregnant she would make jokes about how "she did all the work and [husband] barely did anything." She has made a lot of insensitive, bordering-on-cruel jokes about my boyfriend who. I find her self-absorbed and I. Even if her various 'jokes' and comments don't reflect her deeper feelings.

Example 2: My boyfriend's sister. Holy shit, she is a nightmare to her family members. Loud, obnoxious, so horribly critical and nit-picky. She's the youngest child but bosses everyone around, including her parents and two siblings. She is really fucking mean to my boyfriend. She can speak to anyone however she wants, but god forbid you dish it back to her. She acts really bratty and I've seen her freak out and storm off if she doesn't get her way. I have no fucking idea how her parents allow her to speak to them like that. Apparently it's been like that her. Don't get me wrong -- she's not a complete demon, she's been kind and generous to me unprompted several times, and it seems like she's been trying to bond with me. But I'm kind of afraid of her, also? When we all have dinner together I find it easier to just shut up, not contribute much, and let her do her thing, I don't want to be in her crosshairs, and she's just... got such a domineering personality. She'll just talk about herself to no end. She has to comment on EVERY TINY THING she thinks is wrong, she's extremely controlling and demanding, she has no problem being callous and disrespectful to her own family members. Guys, if I *ever* spoke like that to my parents, if I ever expressed discontent as easily as she does, I would get my ass handed to me, verbally or otherwise. It seems like she has always been given leeway to act like that. And yet, in spite of all that, she's surrounded by a loving and supportive family, she has tons of long-term friends, she's very successful and she'll soon be starting a great career. She's openly confident in herself, she speaks like she KNOWS she's smart and good at things (which she is!), it's easy for her to take pride in herself.

Look, I know I sound jealous and resentful. I know it sounds like I'm harbouring some insane internalized misogyny. Maybe there's truth to that. But I'd say most of it stems from my own

Literally all my life, I have been heavily discouraged or punished for speaking or acting in ways you'd call 'angry,' 'annoyed,' 'bitchy,' 'emotional,' 'entitled,' etc. By my classmates, by my parents, by former friends I trusted, and by former boyfriends - particularly my most recent ex from ~2 years ago, (before my current boyfriend), who was 9 years older than me, who taught me that anger is never okay under any circumstance, who never allowed me to be myself, who constantly accused me of cheating or flirting with other men, who was always trying to teach me a lesson, that a good woman should never have ugly personality traits, tried to mould me into his ideal woman. Who tried to convince me I have BPD because I'd react poorly to his nightmarish, controlling, possessive, insecure behaviour, including (but not limited to) verbally berating me constantly. Then discarded me like trash. That whole relationship was fucked up, made me doubt myself for a long time, and basically ever since then I've just become a different person. Some light inside me just faded out. I don't allow myself to feel anger anymore. I don't make a fuss about things. I haven't had a single argument with my new boyfriend, in the year we've been together. I don't start drama, I'm much better at communicating, I understand my own capacity to hurt people, I don't think my emotions are always valid or important. But I also struggle to maintain close relationships with friends (ESPECIALLY WOMEN) because I don't like opening up. At all. And other women can just... speak unfiltered and be 'annoying' or 'cringe' or 'pissy' and still have tons of friends and love around them? And they've been that way their WHOLE LIVES?

I guess I'm just pissed? Well, not really. But I never allow myself to express myself in some vulnerable way. I think it's selfish and vapid and nobody cares or asked. I don't share personal things with anyone unless I feel like I know them well enough and I ask permission to do so. I'm always apologizing for existing in any way that could be unsavoury. I try so hard not to step on anyone's toes, to take up too much space, to get frustrated about ANYTHING, to have even a single moment of 'ugh, what the hell!' out loud -- so when I encounter other women who feel at ease displaying their emotions and speaking their minds and feelings freely, I resent it. Why have they gone unchecked and I haven't? I've been punished and betrayed so many times I have too many examples of it across my lifetime, and I genuinely think I've benefitted from my harsh dose of reality, it's made me more resilient, emotionally mature/regulated, calm, and pleasant to be around. At the expense of my inner voice, a part of me that died in October 2023. I've had so many fucking fucked up things happen to me in the last few years, I've been betrayed for standing up for myself, and I resent women who haven't been stunted, who haven't been self-castrated the way I have. I've just come to accept that 'it is what it is' and I probably deserved a lot of what I went through and acted immaturely, and I try to move forward but then when I meet women as I've described then I just feel so fucking annoyed, though I keep it to myself, obviously. I'm nothing but demure and pleasant and agreeable on the surface.

This is the first time I'm psychoanalyzing it, I guess. I've always found close female friendships difficult and these feelings don't make it any easier. I have a long-term therapist who's been great and the advice I've received is to have a relationship (friendships, romantic) where I can "unapologetically be myself and express my emotions" but I feel like that's impossible now... like it's ugly and ridiculous and disgusting... like I wouldn't even know how to do that if I tried anymore. I never get angry or outwardly show emotions. As soon as I do, it's gonna get called out or shut down, it's not worth it. It's never worth it. The person who used to be able to express herself like that is dead, and she was killed for good reason. She sucked and she was annoying and everyone hated her. So why do other women get to walk around freely acting that way and it's fine? (Rhetorical question.)

Will delete later, this is cringe as all hell, this is the first time I've written or expressed anything about this, I'm sorry if it's disorganized. Feel free to judge me. There's so much more I wish I knew how to put into words about this topic but every time in the last 2 years I've sat down to express something about this I just create a mess or words and get embarrassed by it later.