I'm just not coping anymore.

I'm cursed. I swear it. My best childhood friend Ashley died of a terminal illness at 21. My younger cousin Riley killed himself in my grandma's garage at 20. The first person I ever loved died two and a half years ago, shortly after we reconnected (as friends - we always stayed really good friends - since childhood - nothing more). My ex Alec died in 2022 and his mom and I found him when we dropped in to check on him. My good friend Kiki died last year around this time, about a week after I'd been to her place, we had just been talking. My grandfather died in 2023, which I guess is a normal part of life, but he died with his eyes wide open in front of me. And my cat died in my arms a few months later.

There's so much more. It's fucking ridiculous. My therapist even thinks its ridiculous. The people close to me say things like 'my God you're surrounded by death". There's so much I haven't listed. To put it in perspective, I wanted to print all of their pictures on little Polaroids and make some kind of memorial frame so that I could part with all my old obituary cards... And I need 35 prints if I do "funerals I've been to" or 21 if I do "people I was very close to". I don't even have time to feel better in between losses. They just keep adding up.

The worst part of it all is, I'm not becoming desensitized. It's putting my own mortality in perspective - and I'm terrified. I'm scared to just turn off. I'm scared thinking that there is nothing else - that they all just "shut off" and they're really gone.

I don't know what I'm even expecting posting here.

I just need someone whos been through something worse to please fucking tell me it's going to get better.