Everything’s getting worse

Marked NSWF since this post is about suicidal ideation and active self harm and mentions of other triggering topics

For the past few months now, I’ve have very bad “episodes” (not sure how to explain it) to the point I’m wanting to kill my self in hopes of being born in a better life, as a boy (gender fluidity) or just to not be me. Every time I’m reminded of the fact I have alters, SA trauma or that my dad is neglecting me, I just want to end it so I don’t have to deal with it. I feel that some of these episodes also have to do with escapism since I spend too much time on Tik Tok fantasizing how my life would have been if I want born in the family I was and born in a simpler time era, making me remember how boring and unfortunate my life is. I don’t want to talk to my mother about it since I feel like I’m gonna stress her out more, but my see harm relapses have been getting so much worse. I feel stuck.