what mental illness does this seem like to you?

i want to start this by saying most of the time i feel “normal” and i don’t realize these things are happening until i stabilize. i don’t want to seek professional help because i’m afraid i’ll be committed in a hospital again. it’s easier to ignore it, pretend i’m fine, and search for things that make me feel stable. it’s a never ending cycle so i’m looking for logical advice on what might be wrong with me. my biggest thing is internal emotional detachment. when i expect to receive a particular activity, action, or emotion from someone (and it is not received) i will shut down. from my understanding this triggers a fear of abandonment. you can yell in my face, and do toxic things but as soon as i feel a lack of energy or emotion from someone i love it makes me go crazy inside. i’ll make a list in my head of all the negative things about that person and why I’m better off without them. i’ll hate myself for making them do it and i’ll begin to think about past versions of myself. this causes me to feel one of two ways manic, or extremely depressed. when i go into a manic state i feel like I’m the most amazing person on the planet and i begin to “have fun”, but the things i do for fun are usually extremely harmful to me. this may include skipping meals, excessive exercise, impulsive hair or makeup changes, basically things to make myself prettier. i then tend to show myself off and usually i do this by drinking excessively, doing drugs, or risky/impulsive activities that i may find thrill seeking to make myself more interesting to thoes around me as well as the person who triggered me. i think subconsciously i believe it will get that attention back. i’ll observe things others are doing that gets them positive attention and do it 10x more/better than they are. if i get depressed instead of manic i will have suicidal thoughts, attempts, panic attacks, or engage in self harm. this usually includes cutting myself with razor blades, hitting myself in the head, and/or grabbing and pinching at parts of my body until they become red or bleed. these phases may last for a few hours to a few months long. at any sudden moment (usually when the wanted emotion, activity or feeling that i was looking for is received) i look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognize myself and become ashamed of the things i did and will go back to a normal stable state, even though i just fucked up my whole life and i build another one. after the fact i usually blame a person or event for “ruining my life” even though it was my own actions. if you’ve read this far, thank you and i hope your well. any advice or direction is appreciated more than you’ll ever know.