does anyone else feeling guilty for passing??

early in my transition it felt great to be “mistaken“ by strangers for my parents’ son, or having people think I was cis at first but now around three or four year into my transition I feel completely different. being categorized immediately as a cis guy makes me sick to my stomach. it feels wrong, like I’ll have people say things about me or to me that I know aren’t true and deny who I was in the past completely and it makes me feel so outside myself.

i dont know if it’s because of my general fear of cis men or because most times people mention my presented gender it’s bringing it down (men are gross, no boys allowed, you wouldn’t understand what us girls go through, etc…) but I don’t want people to associate me with them at first glance, I feel like a villain now.

but then I get disappointed when people view me as a girl unless im trying to present more femininely?? maybe this is because I don’t rlly see my identity as ftm in a fully binary way yet never disclose that bc cis ppl around me don’t get it … idk that’s a whole other thing but yeah wonder if other ppl feel this way or im just a crazy person lolol