Seeking genuine guidance from a Buddhist that accepts mysticism

For over a year, I’ve been weekly volunteering for a Buddhist Sangha in Bangkok. Just setting up chairs and AV for live-streaming.

This community was my first exposure to Buddhism. I decided to volunteer because I was being led to Buddhism and I wanted to stay engaged.

Typically, the group has different monks come to give dharma talks to the community. However, a couple months back, there was a gap in the schedule.

I was encouraged by one of the organizers to give a talk about my path and experience with Buddhism. They thought it might be interesting as I’m an American with no background in Buddhism. Also, in a past life (a job I had years ago), I was a public speaker.

I debated with myself for a while on whether this was a good idea or not, as I thought my journey might be too disturbing for others. But I surrendered to the request.

In the end, I gave a talk titled “Shamans, Aliens, and Buddhas” I used that title to hopefully filter out anyone that might have base objections with these topics.

The story was surprisingly well received regardless of how absurd I thought it might have sounded.

Here is the talk (less 5 minutes that I forgot to record) - https://youtu.be/PQgTWTmaeJQ?si=MNBNWCRbPQZQn9or

The challenge I have faced is a deep dispare post the talk. At first it was a huge relief to talk about publicly. But that quickly shifted to depression, self-doubting, disengagement from my practice, and relief seeking in old habits.

I’ve been prone to cycle depression, but this is different. I almost feel sick as my physical body has been breaking down. Passed a massive kidney stone, my lower back gave out while lifting, had a root canal, and some other stuff.

I almost wonder if there are some things that should not be shared. And if so, am I making it worse even now.