I’m ashamed.

Hi, everyone I’m not new here to Reddit this is a throwaway account. Due to Famliy members having Reddit I do not want them to know this. About a year ago I was talking to a coworker on break who we will call dale.

Dale and I were talking about highschool shit like what kind of stuff we did to have fun or get into some slight trouble but somehow it got onto the topic of dating etc.

Well during this topic I had told him about how during my freshman-sophomore year I was seeing a women probably the age of my aunt at the time(time frame was 2014-2015) so maybe late 30s early 40s. Anyways cant remember exactly how I started going over to her house but she lived in my aunts neighborhood so she was within walking distance from my aunts.

I’m Very ashamed to admit this because I’ve only now realise the damage that has been done to me. I didn’t realise at the time how bad this would affect me but fuck this has really fucked my life up. I can’t manage a relationship without constantly anxiety or stress or let alone even talk to a woman of romantic interest.

Now because I failed to realise this at a young age I did what any other young person would do after they graduate. I joined the army. During that time my best friend died unexpectedly and unfortunately. I was one out of three other soldiers who found him in his barracks room.

That has fucked my mental health up beyond recognition. So with that compiled onto recently realising I was a victim I am ashamed I didn’t say something when I was younger. I don’t know if it’s because of being molested as teenager or seeing death firsthand(no not a suicide idk what the hell killed my buddy I just know I can’t stop seeing his face.) I’m pretty depressed realising this. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this and even worse therapy is so fucking expensive outside of the military it’s fucked.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost, I’m confused on why it happened to me. I don’t understand why I got taken advantage of. It’s even scarier to fucking admit it because there’s always that nagging thought of someone saying “so what it’s not big deal.” And just shrugging it off. I really don’t want to live at this point. This is soul crushing literally soul crushing. I’m so fucking stupid.

If I spelled something wrong forgive me I don’t have my glasses on and have been crying silently the entire time I’ve typed this. Sorry everyone that it’s a wall of text and a bit vague. Trying to stay anonymous as Famliy uses Reddit to so they might be in here I don’t know. I’ve also sustained head injuries during my service time so it’s lead to memory issues, so a lot of stuff I can’t remember but I do remember the area where that woman lived and how she liked to be called “mommy”. Pretty much I can remember bits and pieces pre military life. Post military life I can only remember big life altering events to a t to the exact time and place. As in my case it is usually someone ending up dead.