Addiction

I was 15/16 when I started to smoke and man it was amazing. I fucking loved sparking up by myself listening to music playing the game, honestly it didn’t really matter what I did as long as if I was high. It started off as innocent thing that happened once or twice a month and I maintained this for quite a while, but for some reason it went to once every week to 2 times a week. I even started to use lunch money from my mom to buy it which is how I maintained being high. Before I knew it I was smoking almost everyday. I even remember telling myself before I even smoked like that, that I wouldn’t be the one to get high everyday. I would say things like I wouldn’t smoke in school hours or that I would smoke only after I got everything done in the day. Now I need to smoke just to feel normal and when I don’t I’m very angry or sad. I feel it was in this state I started to develop anxiety and depression that I currently face everyday. My mom is not stupid I feel like she knows I smoke just can’t prove it type thing. She stopped giving me lunch money and when my birthday came around she told me that she wasent giving me money, I understand why and I’m not mad at her. My friends would say that I switched up but I say they switched up for acting so different because I smoked. For my 11th year of hs I would say I lost motivation to care about my grades or really my future to begin with. Today I still smoke don’t really talk to no one like that anymore most due to trust issues when it comes to people. The worst part is the weed is not even the same effect anymore, that magical feeling that I felt back in the day has been passed on and now i just smoke to smoke. I’m a drug addict at 17 with no friends to trust and from what I can remember no hopes of living. I think about killing myself everyday but I’m scared of surviving it then having to live with it and to be honest there’s not really a lot of deaths that are painless. I’m writing this message to hear others people stories that may or may not be related to mine to maybe help my own struggles. Or at least that’s why I think writing this.