I wish I liked men

I’m a lesbian. I divorced a man to come out as a lesbian and literally gave up everything. I love the women I date and fantasize about them at night, and the thought of kissing a man’s lips is like kissing a slimy potato

But fuck would my life be so much easier if I liked men! I work it tech and am on a semi-professional cycling team, meaning I spend most of my life around men despite being lesbian. I am “stereotypically pretty” with naturally blonde hair and blue eyes and they don’t get it unless I explicitly say it or respect boundaries when I do. Meanwhile I’m butchy enough the straight women clock me quickly and I get excluded from friendship!

There’s this guy I’ve been riding bikes with and I made a point of wearing rainbow socks, talking about my ex girlfriend, and making him watch a NBA game while out riding at a bar. It is SO hard to find a compatible riding and training partner. Today we had a completely awesome day riding around LA and I mentioned it explicitly at the end of these ride. He said he suspected, but was disappointed - I don’t think we will ride together again.

There’s women-trans-femme cycling clubs in LA but they are so far from me and start at an ungodly early hour in the morning! Whatever city I’ve lived in the women’s cycling crowd is mostly gay and have all dated each other in a way that is almost incestous and comes with so much drama and baggage. You can either date within that community, or have friends - not both! And I’m new to LA so am prioritizing friendship.

I’ve been dating a woman recently who I like and I’m incredibly drawn to, but lifestyle wise she is more of a homebody. This has been true for a lot of my exes I’ve fallen hard for, but eventually we have never fit in terms of lifestyle. I guess opposites attract? With my ex, I tried to prioritize dating someone also in tech who could keep up with my lifestyle financially and athletically and all we did was amplify each others issues. When I’ve tried to date within the cycling community we are too similar and act more as “bros” even when we try hard not to. I do well with someone a little more femme and settled who balances me out, but this is also kinda incompatible with my life.

Anyway, I feel like shit and so frustrated that after a wonderful day out on bikes, I pretty much went back to my apartment and screamed aloud. Also F OKC and justice for Haliburton.

This is just a rant - I have no answers!