Do I not truly want to get better?

I have a boyfriend who loves me, treats me with the up most respect, isn’t using me for my body. I like him but sometimes I wish he was like the other guys (groomers). Sometimes I wish he’d manipulate me, use me for his own sexual advantage, while still loving me and treating me good.

I know that sounds insane and weird, and it is. But I don’t plan on breaking up with him or telling him about those thoughts because while I’d enjoy it, I know it’s wrong and it would only go against everything I worked so hard for.

I guess the reason I’m like that is because it’s all I’ve ever known. Growing up my dad always told me how I should make a man sexually happy before anything else. In elementary school boys were lying saying they had sex with me. IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. And of course easy access to the internets pedophiles didn’t help much either. I used to be disgusted by it. But as I get older and well hormonal changes happen. I’ve begun to like it and want it more.

I try to help other people, tell them that they need to stop and how horrible it is to be attracted to people like that, but I can’t even take my own advice? I know I want it to stop, but why does it have to be so hard.