Fundamentalism made me leave Islam for good, and how I came back

I used to be deep into the Salafi hellhole. How deep you may ask? Well, if you asked me about a ruling on whether something, literally ANYTHING is haram or halal, I could probably give you the Salafi perspective on it, and then search up a fatwa from islamqa or Sheikh Assim's YT channel, and it'd probably match their opinion. That kind of deep.

It was miserable. To its very core. I was envious of reverts and “born again Muslims” who claimed to find the highest level of peace after practicing Islam again. All it gave me was constant anxiety. I was worried that I’d be sinful by committing the smallest, most insignificant acts. I spent evenings scrolling through fatwa sites, YouTube videos that got only about 30K views maximum. Hellholes of Reddit threads just to try and get an answer, and countless hours in my head TRYING to refute imaginary arguments in my head out of fear that I may be wrong. I feared that if I take a more lenient opinion, I’d be following my desires, so instead, I followed the most restrictive one. I was constantly called a munafiq because I wanted to go “fatwa shopping.”

Islam for me back then wasn’t liberation. It was adding more chains to myself because I thought I’d be more pious if I did so. I prohibited so many things for myself, gave up so many things and felt so empty. Something was wrong, until I knew I couldn’t go on like this anymore.

I was taught that there was no way to balance the dunya and akhirah. It's either one or the other. Having fun was either makruh or haram, because that meant I would go astray. I was told that those who value dunya are kuffar, those who value akhirah are mu‘mins, and those who value both of them are worse, they are munafiqs because they only want whatever benefits them. Hating others and making takfir was necessary. Instead of hating sin and the actions of it, I was taught to hate the people of sin. (edited)

I was taught to make enemies with others. But why should I make enemies with other people when the true enemy is Shaytan? So much talk about the "enemies of Islam" and "fighting against the Kuffar" but no talk about fighting against Shaytan. Wasn't Islam there to attack the roots of the problem, not the manifestations?

And when fighting against Shaytan was mentioned, all it did was make me love him more. "Ya Akhi, Shaytan seeks to beautify sins and the dunya so don't fall into his illusions." Well, if Shaytan was the one who was giving me happiness, driving me closer to faith as a result and making me appreciate the creation of Allah more, then fine, I will happily fall into the illusion of Shaytan.

The amount of psychological damage that Salafism caused me was immeasurable, and I’m still trying to reverse the effects of it.

I then looked at the other Muslims in my life. They were all having fun. Doing normal things. Playing video games, spending time with friends, playing guitar around campfires, exploring the world, making art, and also praying and being faithful.

Actually, they were perhaps even more faithful than I was. I mean, I would describe my Iman as strong, but I felt way too empty. I had given up everything that gave me joy and prayer wasn’t filling the void anymore. I didn’t feel truly connected to God. I kind of wanted to be more like my friends — faithful and happy, not just faithful and miserable.

So I asked myself — is God found in lectures by old men with beards and thobes who yell into a camera, or is God found through the very essence of life?

So, that brings me to the modern day. What made me come back to Islam? Well, two things. (edited)

Firstly, I had a period of apostasy, where I completely left Islam. Not only did I leave Islam but I began cursing God. My most used phrases for a while became “f*ck Allah” and “Allah is gay.” I was so angry. I felt lied to and betrayed. Islam was not an easy religion. Either you give up everything and live like a monk or you face hellfire, and if you don’t believe living like a monk is the best thing for you, then you deserve eternity in hellfire.

But eventually, I grew tired. Hatred wasn't solving anything, and deep down in my heart I knew the true Islam was out there. The one where Allah is truly present, not the one that is characterized by a billion fatwa sites and some old, hateful men with long beards and white thobes uttering the most vile sentence you've heard in a lifetime.

So, I wanted to explore Sufism — the very bane of Salafism, and the science that the majority of Muslims throughout history and even now follow(ed).

At first, I was skeptical, since I was still deeply indoctrinated by Salafism which made me see them as zindeeq. But I decided to give it a shot anyway.

Now, back when I was a Salafi, I was familiar with poets like Rumi and Shams of Tabriz, and saints like Sai Baba. And I'll admit without shame: even though I saw them as misguided, I did have a great secret admiration for their work, and by extension, Sufism in general.

Deep down, I felt that Sufism was the true Islam -- a perfect balance of all things. Law and spirituality, practicality and ease, beauty and reality; when I studied Sufism, my love for Islam grew. I was able to see how different aspects of all religions, from Christianity to Buddhism to Taoism to Confucianism to Hinduism were all present in Islam. It felt like the ultimate culmination of... everything, really.

So I really do feel like Sufism is the path of moderation that the Prophet (SAW) was telling us to hold on to. When I was a Salafi, it was all just rules, rules, and endless rules with no spirituality. Good deeds are only done for the sake of reward and not for the sake of the heart, and hatred was necessary while love was non-existent.

Harmony in the universe and the beauty of Allah's creations were never talked about. It was just "is X haram?" or "am I a kafir for believing in Y?"

I will admit however, I am not knowledgeable about Sufism and there is still much I could know from the Awliya. However, I feel like two of the main takeaways I got from Sufism that I NEVER woud've gotten anywhere else were Shuhūd al-Jamāl (witnessing divine beauty) and Tajalli (divine manifestation) which made me feel that Allah's mercy is greater than the wrath I was always taught back when I was a Salafi.

I also got into listening to Sufi music, specifically Qawwali, and my goodness... chills all over. I came to know about sonification and sound in the universe, and that life was just one big cosmic song. That's where Shuhud al-Jamal came along. I remember crying after finding out about these things... I viewed music to be haram for so long, but little did I know that music was the language of Allah.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say. I am still recovering from the fundamentalism that I was exposed to, and honestly, if it weren't for the Sufi sciences I would probably be an active member on r/exmuslim right now lol. It's honestly such a shame that the beautiful tradition of Sufism has been largely erased because the blood hungry Saudis wanted to legitimize their power over Iran.

True guidance is there for those who seek it. May Allah bless you all and guide you to the right path. Amin.