Douching

Ok, so I have read so many FAQs and infographics, but douching genuinely does not work for me. I try with a fleet and push out the water after a few seconds, then repeat until it's clear. Then I will play w myself to test if I am actually clean, and I won't be. Then I do this again and again, and keep pushing out water until it hurts and I am over it and don't wanna do it anymore. I hate it and I have no idea why I can't do it right. I really need help. I haven't had sex in so long because of this, and it's killing me. I am taking fiber supplements and using lube, what am I doing wrong? Can someone pls help?!!