Sad.

I am44 and spent most of my life knowing something was wrong. Experienced a lot of social anxiety and insecurities. Over the past few years I’ve come to realize some of the things that are not the norm with me.

I realized I don’t have much going on in my mind for very long at all. Sometimes barely anything. My attention span is quite short, too.

I finally realized I have zero inner eye. Also realized after that, that I have no real inner dialogue and that I have zero inner ear.

I’m realizing more than ever just how bad my recall is. Seriously, I have probably one of the worst memory than almost anyone I’ve ever met.

I think to make it worse, I don’t take strong interest in remembering most things because I know I won’t retain it.

In social situations, my mind is quite blank. I don’t often have spontaneous things to add to a conversation. When someone asks me about something, I’m only able to give very bland and generic responses and often times have nothing come to mind to follow up.

I’m terrible at small talk. This makes me anxious and makes the situation worse.

Knowing I have visual and auditory aphantasia, there’s this level of “okay this is just how I am and I’m not good at social exchange “ which may be making me try even less to improve or fix….

I married my wife in November. We dated a short 4 months then got engaged and married a month later. We now have a child on the way.

I just spent the week with her family away from home ( they live in another state)… and they’re highly intelligent, none of these type of issues and I literally go through entire social engagements without saying or adding anything. I feel dumb. I feel out of place. I feel like they think I don’t like them. Or that she made a mistake marrying me.

Which makes me wonder if I have disserviced my wife and her family and my future family by getting married.

I have strong qualities, but I’m realizing that I’ve struggled most of my life, and never really kept any close relationship with anyone my entire life…

I’ve talked to my wife with most of this and she doesn’t seem worried. says it will be alright.

Just looking for some help on here, wondering if anyone that sees this has had similar experience in life and might be able to help. It’s the end of the day, I’m tired- sorry if this was a bit all over the place.