The heart is slower than the brain

I just checked my calendar and apparently it’s been 5 weeks since the break up. I broke NC throughout the first week to ask for his side of the explanation and to clear some misunderstandings, and about a week after that, I broke NC yet again by sending him a link to a firework event in his city, because I stumbled upon it on Instagram and he likes fireworks and remember him saying he wanted to watch one. That turned into a conversation, where he basically said that he was already feeling better and healing 2 weeks since the break up, while it has been a rollercoaster for me. I asked if I could be honest and he said it was my call and to bear the consequences. I said I missed him and how we could be very open and comfortable with each other, etc. He said he’s trying to detach from me, not rely on me and find other source of entertainment, not get more hurt, and I’m making it harder for him. I was asking if there was any underlying reasons as he ended things abruptly after sponsorship was brought up (we were 5 months LDR nevermets who were gonna meet up in the 8th month, I was gonna move to him from the west coast to the east coast after working on getting my own PR in the next 3y, and he was gonna let me move into his place in his province). He said no, and it was really just because he lost trust, lost love, and he thinks it’s not worth it anymore to put effort into this relationship because we’d just keep hurting each other so it’s better to end things now than later when we were more committed.

Towards the end of the conversation, he said that the longer I latch on, the worse it gets, and that I’m really close to reaching his limit to block me. I said okay, I’m sorry, I’ll let you go, and I won’t text / reach out ever again.

He previously said that blocking hurts him more and feels toxic, so he prefers not to block.

So I’m keeping my last words to him, that’s all I can do now..

But anyway… I’m writing this because I don’t wanna keep bringing my friends’ or my sister’s mood down… some of my friends are also going through a hard time and I just want my sister to enjoy her trip to the fullest, so it’s kind of like journaling and I don’t really have to say sorry here since people are free to read something if they want to and skip if they want to..

So… A few days ago.. was my graduation day.. I cried during a speech that asked us to look at the people who have been here for us and made it possible for us to get this far, because he wasn’t there, he’ll never be there even in the happy, easy, proud, and big moments. I was grateful to have my family attend my convocation, but it was a challenge for me to pretend as if everything was okay, and to smile in the pictures.

Now.. I’ve been in a tour to the Rocky Mountains for 2 days now with my family since they’re staying with me for about 2 weeks to make the trip worth it and today we had a cruise in the Maligne Lake in Jasper, Alberta. It was magnificent. Serene, calming, beautiful. But there were times when I thought that I wanted to share this with him.. but I can’t anymore.. I wanted to make a joke about the captain’s parking skills because we played Sea of Thieves together.. but I can’t anymore. I’m not even the type to post on Instagram, I just use it to view public accounts’ posts. I really just thought that the view was too good not to share with him. But.. he doesn’t wanna hear from me anymore, he doesn’t care anymore..

These past few weeks.. I’ve had less jokes come into my mind that I would’ve otherwise told him to make him laugh. I threw away the flowers from the bouquet he sent me that I dried, so it’d have lasted for years instead of weeks, ‘cause looking at them everyday reminded me of what I lost, my regrets, and what happened. And I’ve let myself cry whenever the tears come, instead of holding them in except when I’m in front of family. I’ve reflected a whole lot, and know that I have a lot to work on (and have been working on) like thinking more positively, believing in myself more, not saying or thinking bad stuffs about myself especially if I don’t even mean it or don’t truly think that way, being more patient & taking things slow, work on my communication skills, not dwelling / replaying conversations, passive aggresiveness, not overthinking, thinking before talking, worrying too much, thinking too far ahead and a whole lot more. Have been learning about attachment styles and relationship psychology as well to try and understand better about why and how he just lost love so fast like that. I thought the relationship was good and mostly secure most of the time, we were on good terms, and only had 2-3 serious talk, that was it. Never fought or been in a huge argument before.

My brain has accepted that it’s over, that he doesn’t wanna be with me anymore, that there’s no going back, he’s never coming back. And I wasn’t even planning to take pics or vids to share with him, but when I was at the place… it just came to mind.

It was so abrupt… it all happened so fast.. I know I’ll get through this but damn.