Loyalty feels impossible to me.

I can't stay loyal. I can't form real attachment to anyone. I get briefly infatuated with someone and they say one small thing and I'm back to devaluing them like I do with everyone. Just another sinful being that exists. I crave attention from everyone, all that attention just from 1 person simply overwhelmes me. Hey, as they say, "don't put all your eggs in one basket". I just want to be a normal, God fearing, a happy house wife with a beautiful child and a fulfilling life but my mind is riddled with broken, posion, sinful, lust. I am so lustful, I hate it. I just want to be touched and loved by everyone. No one person will ever be enough to suffice my needs. People say it comes within. What if I have nothing within except for racing thoughts that keep me up every night. What if I can't sleep without a distraction everynight, for years, since I was a child. I need distraction from the pain and misery of myself and my thoughts or I'll drown. It. Feels. Like. I. Am. Drowning. The sensation of water on my chest, the tightness of sorrow pushing on every surface of my body. How can I cry when all the pressure from this water pushes it back in. I am so done with my brain. I want to be dumb. I want to be stupid. Why have I been chosen to be a genius when I can't do anything useful with it. I'm just paralyzed from the thoughts and knowledge that I can't get up. It's as if hundreds of books were stacked on top of me and I have to absorb the knowledge of them all? You understand how debilitating this must be? I feel so sorry for myself. I hate it. Why do I pity myself. I clearly am something special so why do I pity that? Fuck. Give me that lobotomy.