I asked AI to write an SNL opening monologue as Brendan and I didn’t give it anything to go off of

Alright, what up, what up, what up, New York City! Your boy Brendan Schaub in the house! First off, lemme just say, this is nuts, right? I mean, SNL? Me? A couple of years ago, I was getting punched in the face for a living, now I'm standing on this stage. Life comes at you fast, B. Like a prime Fedor Emelianenko uppercut. Booooom! Right to the chin.

I gotta be honest, when Lorne Michaels called me, I thought it was a prank call. I was like, "Who is this, Bryan Callen?" He said, "No, it's Lorne." I said, "Lorne who? Lorne Star? Is this a spaceballs reference, B? What are we doin'?" Nah, he was legit. And he said, "Brendan, we need some real, unadulterated comedy, something for the streets." And I was like, "Say less, my man. I got you."

And look, I know what some of you are thinking. "Schaub, what's a comedian doing hosting SNL? Isn't he just a podcaster and, like, a... an 'influencer'?" Hey, dawg, I'm a work ethnic guy. I put in the hours. I was doing comedy way before it was cool. Like, before Netflix specials were, like, a thing. I was grinding in the clubs, honing my craft. Learning about angles. The comedy store was my dojo, my training camp. I got CTE from laughin' so hard. True story. Ask my wife, she'll tell ya. "Brendan, stop it, you're gonna hurt yourself!" Nah, I'm built different, B.

And speaking of built different, this SNL cast, man, they're straight killers. I met some of them backstage. They're hilarious. But I'm tellin' ya, they need to lift some weights. Get some size on 'em. I'm like, "Yo, you guys ever heard of creatine? Protein shakes? You gotta protect that chin, B, especially in this game." They just looked at me. I don't know, maybe they don't get the same gains. It's a different lane.

But hey, tonight's gonna be a beast of a show. We got some great sketches, some fantastic bits, and I'm just here to bring that raw, unrefined energy that you can only get from a former pro athlete turned comedian, turned podcaster, turned... whatever I am now. A triple threat, B. So sit back, relax, and get ready, 'cause it's gonna be a wild ride. We gon' have some laughs, we gon' have some tears, and by the end of the night, you're gonna be like, "Damn, Schaub's a drawl. He's a monster." We'll be right back!