Fear of childbirth, or is God saying "don't do it"?

TW: Language

I'm deathly afraid of giving birth...

If you had a kid & did all the work including carrying it to term & pushing it out/having it ripped out of you & you don't give a single FUCK about being there (not talking about postpartum) ... Absolutely FUCK YOU. I can't even express how much medical anxiety I have hearing horrible birth/pregnancy stories. I have had my own issues previously also. I do love babies & really do want to be a mother someday but the fear is so real for me. I hate being sick, I don't want to be fat (at all) & I HATE hospitals. I hate surgeries. I hate pain.

I'm researching tonight & I find out they ✂️ your 🐱 when you give birth without even asking... Sure, if you get an epidural & have a smooth vaginal birth then I'm sure it's a glorious experience. But what about the C-sections? What about the epidural fails or women who are too late? What about the horrible mistreatment by some maternity wards & literally CUTTING someone's genitals without consent? They really don't give a single Kentucky fried fuck about you, they just want the baby out. & they want you to do it THEIR WAY. I'm so happy we live in a time WITH such advanced medical care but I'm STILL soooo scared. I just don't know if it's for me. & I have an entire family just looking at me 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 "WHERE'S THE BABY?" like honey... Do you have money to adopt? I sure don't.

& the irony is you can be dirt poor & have a baby & the government will step in to help. But if you want to adopt & are poor it's "well then maybe you aren't a fit parent"... It's a JOKE. I know people who had multiple children who didn't have a job or pay rent & probably have shit for savings/credit scores. I know even though I have mental health struggles that with proper support I would make a GREAT mother. I love teaching things to kids, I love playing with them, I don't mind 💩 or any of that & I'm super protective over all little ones naturally. The actual parenting part I am completely not even scared over. I'm just so upset that we get treated the way we do as women. & so many states now are treating miscarriage like it should be illegal & not helping women whose babies are dying in the womb. It makes me sick. I'm lucky I live in a blue state. Nglty but giving birth doesn't look at all appealing. & it may be a sacrifice we need to make but what happens when you think it's a horrible idea & your fear around it is just astronomical?

Can any mothers help me here? Why does society make us feel like baby machines & if we don't reproduce - we must be "bad" women? Why did I used to think I wanted 5 kids & walk around as a little girl playing house while pretending to be pregnant? Why do we feel like failures in life if we aren't mothers? & why the fuck is adopting really so damn expensive? Does anyone have a spare infant? 🥺👶 I'm not rich, but I can provide the basics through the state & get a job with health insurance. Why is it that I can give birth for free on Medicaid & that's fine, but I can't be low-income & adopt?

Y'all I really CANNOT. My body & I don't always get along. I want to have a baby so damn bad for everyone else & to be able to have a family but I'm petrified. Please give me advice on this whether you are a parent or never intend to be one.

TL;DR: I want a baby but I do not actually want to HAVE the baby. What should I do? 😢😓⏳⏰ Is this another imposter syndrome or fear of success because of fear of failure type deal? Why do I think I can't do something literally billions of people have done? Am I broken, a waste of uterus or both?