My experience with suicidal ideation

Around when the spring semester for school ended, I didn’t take any new classes and for whatever reason, the change in rhythm put me into a really depressed state. I was thinking about where my life was heading and how I wasn’t satisfied, I didn’t what it would take to make me satisfied and I had some suicidal ideation.

At the time I told myself that I wasn’t actually being suicidal, but I think that was just my way of avoidance. I didn’t want to have to do anything about it, but I was looking up the least painful to do it, I had days where I was at work where I daydreamed all day about the different ways it could happen and maybe not be my fault, I thought about the different small risks I could take that would be easier to commit to. And yet after all that I was still trying to gaslight myself that it wasn’t really true, I’m not somebody like that, I’m only doing it for attention even though I never told anybody.

Right now, I’m feeling a lot better. But it feels weird to have gone through that and not tell anybody or do anything about it. It’s only been a month since I last made a post on this sub talking about it. I’ll take the wins where I can I guess, and I’ve just been trying to avoid anything depressing be it tv shows, movies, music, or keeping up with politics. I don’t even really know what the point of this post is, but I felt like writing down and sharing so it feels like maybe I didn’t something.