loneliness and identity and self hatred

im a closeted trans girl and I can't really belong anywhere. I hate real life because I have to go through it as an ugly crooked and disgusting man, but when I can have an escape and be more open about my identity online I feel like a fraud. people get this image of me being cute or attractive or desirable and it's bullshit, i'm nothing like that. i'm someone that no one would desire because if one would find me attractive, it would be as a boy and I don't want that, and if no one would find me attractive as a girl because realistically i'm not one and I can't be one because I feel too tired and depressed to make enough effort to change

I have been talking to a friend online and I think that's going on again, she's attracted to me based on this distorted view she has of me due to not knowing how I really look like or how I really act, and in the moment it feels good but afterwards I feel so guilty. it's like im just fooling her and I feel like shit...

my appearance feels like it's always degrading, I started laser hair removal on my face but the god damned beard shadow is still just so present, I can't get rid of it and my hair is so fucking awful and ugly and I hate my face so much, I look so disgusting I hate it so much. I know it's all my fault, I know im my own villain and that is so frustrating because I don't even hate anything to direct any sort of anger at, it's just me being disfunctional

im also my own family's villain due to being such a jobless bloodsucker, they're paying for my college and im so fucking ashamed of that, im so dependant on them on everything, im so far from any freedom to be who I want to be. i cant even try to wear women underwear becausw they'd end up looking at my wardrobe and finding it, it's so useless

I don't have irl friends and haven't had any for some years, but I also feel like isolating myself from online friendships too I just want to be the most alone I can be, I don't want to exist to them, it's such an ugly existence.

this might be just how I feel today because I feel very very ugly and wrong today and I haven't taken my meds, and afterwards i'll go back to craving romance and deep relationships and love even though im also so scared of it all. and i'm actually right about that since it's not a good moment, no one has anything to genuinely love about an unfinished person who hates being a boy, is so distant from being a girl, and feels like crying when considering settling for something in between. i don't know how i'll manage to fight my way to happiness in this body, in this state. my life is just daydreaming about the art I want to make that I maybe won't ever do because embarrassingly I don't even try

no im not going to commit S-word, im never going to do it