Has anyone else’s outlook on life completely changed? I don’t know if the good outweighs the bad anymore.

-To be clear, I have no thoughts of self harm or suicidal ideation or anything like that, and the contents of this post are definitely not intended to push someone in that direction. If you need help please reach out to loved ones or a professional./-

Sorry in advance as this is long.

My dad passed away very suddenly last week. He was only a few weeks away from retirement, and had finally addressed some joint and muscle issues that had been affecting him for years, so he was feeling healthy and strong. He was an athlete up until the end and everyone knew him as this vibrant, healthy, outdoorsy guy.

He was on a run and even remarked how good he felt and what a good day he was having, then moments later he just.. dropped dead. No warning. They think it was an aneurysm. He didn’t suffer, he didn’t know what was happening. I will say I am so thankful for that.

My dad had an incredibly difficult life but never stopped being positive. He never touched alcohol or drugs because he said he didn’t want to miss out on or be distracted from a single moment, good or bad. He was a strong believer in the value of life and how the beauty of the world made up for everything that was bad. His favorite song was “What a Wonderful World” sung by Louis Armstrong. It always made him cry.

I wish I could say I felt the same way. My therapist told me that the brutal unpredictability of life is what makes it precious and it’s something to find beauty in. I know my dad would have agreed. But how? How is that beautiful? How is life anything but endless indifferent cruelty? People say that the great moments outweigh the bad, and sure life has great moments, but I don’t think that they make up for the bad.

This past week, I have been nearly catatonic. I am more miserable than I thought was humanly possible, I feel suffocated and strangled by my grief. I’ve traveled and seen beautiful places that took my breath away. I’ve cried in happiness and been in love and felt deliriously happy at my wedding. Yet I can’t help but feel that happy times are temporary distractions from the cold reality of the world.

Even if I am experiencing fleeting happiness, that doesn’t change the fact that children and kittens and puppies are getting abused and killed at the same moment. It doesn’t change the fact that someone’s dad or mom or brother or sister was ripped away from them that same day whether from medical issues or the cruelty or carelessness of another person. It doesn’t change the fact that someone can do their best every day, see the potential in everyone, and be kind to everyone, like my dad did, and still experience hardships that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Then die before experiencing things they worked so hard for and deserved.

My dad will never get to meet his future grandchildren, something that would bring tears to his eyes just imagining how much he knew he’d love them. He’ll never get to grow old with my mom, who he adored and doted on. He’ll never get to cook for thanksgiving again, something he looked forward to every year because he loved bringing the family together over a meal.

And why? Because the universe has no sense of fairness, mercy, or compassion - it is cold, it is indifferent, it is cruel. We are nothing, our lives mean nothing, and the only purpose of living is to experience pain constantly but for fleeting moments of pleasant distraction. How could that possibly be “worth it”? What is beautiful about that? We bring children into the world knowing they will (best case scenario) experience the all encompassing grief of losing their parents. They may outlive the love of their life. They will outlive friends and pets. They may even outlive their own children. We are brought into the world predestined for a lifetime of grief. Thank God for the beautiful moments in life but I just don’t think they offset the pain we all feel.

If you read this far, thank you for listening. I’m just in a really dark place right now.

I want to reiterate that I have no thoughts of self harm and I really don’t want my ramblings to trigger anyone. Please reach out to a professional if you feel like you can’t go on.