30s drinking alone

Just wanted to put this out there and maybe hear some perspectives.

I’ve never really loved alcohol. I’m not addicted, and I don’t drink often — maybe once a month. But still, I end up drinking, and I’m starting to realize it’s not doing me any good.

I come from a very conservative family where drinking is seen as a huge no-no. I started drinking a few years ago because a friend (who I now kind of regret listening to) suggested it when I was going through a rough patch mentally. I was depressed, vulnerable, and I guess I just wanted something to numb the feelings. At the time, I thought, "Why not?" I know it was my choice in the end, but he definitely played a part in normalizing it for me.

At first, I only drank socially with friends. But over time, I got lonelier — and then I started drinking alone. That’s when I feel like things shifted for the worse. Drinking alone feels very different. There’s something empty and isolating about it. And after every single time, I end up feeling super guilty. I don't think I'm someone who can truly "enjoy" drinking — it always comes with this heavy emotional hangover.

The guilt is especially bad because I’m still keeping it a secret from most of my family. Some of my cousins found out, and now I’m constantly worried that word might reach my parents.

I’ve come to the conclusion that drinking alone is not for me — mentally, it does more harm than good. But even though I want to quit completely, I still get these occasional urges — like the idea of just having a beer or two. And then I stop myself because I know drinking alone again will just send me into that same cycle of guilt and regret.

Has anyone else been in a similar spot? Not quite addicted, not a heavy drinker, but caught in this weird grey zone where you don’t even enjoy it — yet you still do it? How did you get out of it?

Also, is drinking alone really that bad? Or does it depend on the person? Would love to hear your thoughts or experiences.