How do I explain?

There is a lot going on, not looking for judgement, or any bias, although we should be able to tell who's providing that, but mostly connection, guidance, and maybe even someone who feels they've been in my position before.

Too many times I've noticed my own patterns. I believe there is an ideal version of me. One where I am not always catching the Deja vu moments and trying to make a change, but just being accepting of the dreams I've seen before and comfortable with where they're leading me.

I don't believe I have much time left on this plane. I may be already half uploaded to the next, and I'm feeling like im just dragging my feet before I go. This scares me, as I wouldn't want to leave these ones I love behind! Benson Boone's Beautiful things makes me cry, but not from sadness, more like an undaunted need to let them know I love them.

That's where I get caught I guess. Stuck on this orchard of what was and what can be. Feeling like my time is over, I've been revisiting my past in new ways that I hadn't understood before, and although I'd like to change the past, sometimes we can't always let go of the remembrance of what happened the first time. I didn't do this before, how much different would it be if I did this time?

If I could be really present in my trips back, i'd hope that I let everyone of you know that you are my beautiful things. I love you all. The people, places, and experiences we've shared will forever haunt, teach, and guide me through returning to now. Where I guess Im just trying to be the best me I can be, for you.

I love you all. Not that I didnt think you caught it up there, but maybe because its so good, I had to say it twice.

Life has always been my gateway drug. And I'm addicted to it, every step I get to take with the living is so entrancing, maybe why I haven't fully left yet?

I've got a lot more to say before i go, but this may not be the appropriate forum. Just know if you were present in my life, not only am I still looking for you on this plane, but also trying to find you at least on the next three.

Even if its just to say, oh, hey!

Im not suicidal, or depressed. Just in a moment of self reflection where I felt I should truly let people know that I love them. It would be rude to include names, but I can throw some letters in there, if you catch them.

Maybe I am crazy, but I'd rather be crazy and correct, than incorrect and feel normal. Speaking of, I'll stop welding truth as a weapon, mine was always dull to begin with, or more underutilized and untapped, like Kenpachi's Zanpakuto.

Either way, if this wasnt for you, let it be for me. Hopefully im part of someone's Beautiful things, too.

I may be Cheap, but I'm no Trick.