I miss my mom before alcohol

I’m not trying to say that I hate her. Nor am I trying to blame her. I know she has been through a lot and I get it. But i miss my mommy. It’s almost everyday she gets drunk and it’s honestly just too much for me now. I tell her about something really important, not being able to recognize that shes drunk and she wont remember the next day— then be super mad that I “didn’t tell her”.

She got super drunk this one time with her sister and they did some unspeakable things. I ran away that night because it was too much for me. The next day she begged me to forgive her. And I did. Because shes my mom. But you would assume that would be her wake up call, right? You would assume she would stop drinking whiskey from target behind the wheel while shes driving after having a “stressful day”, you would think she would stop getting so drunk that she would be screaming at the top of her lungs as we try to take her out of the car and bring her inside the house, you would THINK she would stop getting so drunk that one of her daughters would talk to her again and want her to be in her life again. But no. She didnt. She didnt even stop for long. It was about 3 months of “Im never touching another drop of alcohol” before she was back to drunk driving me around. I once saw her pour an entire bottle of old fashioned whiskey into a large cup and drink from it occasionally, just because she had a “hard day at work”.

At this point, its a constant thing. I love her but I miss when we were apostolic Christians. She would never drink and she was honestly one of the sweetest people I know. Now she is rude, abrasive and full of so much hatred. She can’t function without being angry at someone because she needs at “outlet for her anger”. And since it’s just me at the house and no siblings, I’m the target all the time. She takes me to work since I dont have a car yet, and puts me in such a bad mood before work cuz she needs “something to take the edge off” before dealing with me.

Today, I was really hurt by her. She was drunk after taking too many shots of Jameson whiskey(?) and she was dropping off my niece with my dad(doesn’t drink). She said “Dad said I cant be driving like this(Drunk) with [Niece’s name] in the car. I said ‘UHH YEAH ABSOLUTELY’ because I would never put the love of my life- My little world in any danger!”

But you would put me in danger?

So, Yeah. I miss my mom before the alcohol.