Finally Set Boundaries w/ STBX. Feel awful and guilty.

I made a post a few days ago regarding struggling with the divorce from my husband of 16 years who is an alcoholic. I filed for divorce to protect myself financially due to his increasingly erratic behavior with drinking, and “wanted off the ride” so to speak. I think I was secretly hoping this would be his rock bottom, but he happened to land perfectly into a better group of enablers including a new girlfriend within a month. And tells me he has not liked me for a long time, and that he is happy I filed for divorce. This devastated me and has made me question everything.

During the past 3 months of this process, he has made and broken many promises to myself and our son, and we have only seen him a handful of times during this period, but the text/phone contact would be more frequent where he would promise to be over “tomorrow” or say “we have lots to talk about still” then never follow through.

Each time I get a phone call, text or visit with him I noticed my anxiety and thoughts would spiral for days after. Especially if they were kind or reminding me of the way “he used to be”, and I would often find myself getting my hopes up.

So today I asked him to talk, and finally for the first time in my life set clear boundaries with the intention to actually follow through, and not just have hopeful thinking. I have set that he is no longer able to just stop by our house when it is convenient for him, asked him for a date to get his things out of the house, and a set schedule for visitation.

He pushed back on it a few times, saying things like “I know you want to have boundaries but I would like to be able to call you if I get free time some days so I can let you know I’m around to help if you need anything.” And bringing up how he still wants to come around and help me out and be here for our family. I reaffirmed my original boundaries and told him not to do that, that if I need anything I will contact other people because he no longer gets access to us and our home on his terms with his behavior. That I do not want him contacting me.

The issue is that on the inside I absolutely miss him terribly, and I want him to help me, and just wish all this wasn’t happening. But I know boundaries are necessary for my mental health, and to show our kid what a healthy relationship looks like and that standing up for yourself is important.

When does it get easier? Why do I feel so freaking guilty? Any tips to make it through this? I sit here oscillating between feeling proud of myself for actually doing it when all I wanted to do was collapse into a puddle on the ground and beg for him to choose and love us, and then having heart shattering grief because the man I married seems to be dead and replaced by someone who I don’t even recognize with the actions and behavior he’s done over the past few months.