Suddenly see parenting differently

For background my husband and I were raised very differently. My husband moved out at 16. Has 4 brothers. His mother is a functioning alcoholic, father is sober now but was an aggressive drunk and used to beat his mom. They all at some point had drinking problems. Him and his one brother were pretty open. They were left alone lots, got the spoon, belt fist you name it. His brother told my sister in law his mom stopped beating them when they punched her back…

I obviously was not raised this was. We were a soap in the mouth, maybe a flick on the cheek kinda house. Or like you knew by the tone when you pushed your limits. My grandpa was a bit different and i still, at 29 remember those days of him screaming at me.

So I strongly am against physical discipline and even talking to our kids like he is nothing. I was very honest about this up front. We even almost broke up a few months in when we fought and he got into his truck hammered- he quit drinking.

But yes before we got engaged I was open about how I will never be okay with the above mentioned behaviours if we were to have kids. We were on the same page. Fast forward to now, with our 3.5 year old and although he doesnt hit him, he yells at him like almost a snarl, and its heartbreaking to hear. And I know 3 is hard, im not perfect but whenever im getting overwhelmed and harsh and he tells me to relax, I can. I can instantly stop and/or walk away. He doesnt. He gets more angry then starts yelling at me that he can never do anything right and no amount of asking him to lower his voice, take a breath, pointing at our son, will get him to stop. Sometimes me yelling back to relax helps, but obviously sometimes it doesnt.

It has taken me a long time to get to a point of wanting another kid due to some hard post partum shit, but honestly now im devastated cause im not doing THIS again. I have asked if he even thinks he can handle another and he always says yes.. but like.. how on earth can i get him to see what he is doing is wrong? Its not what we agreed on. No amount of assuring him this stuff is a phase, its okay to be frustrated and overwhelmed works. Or am i just screwed?