22 weeks and don't know if I should abort.

Hi,

I'm 22 weeks pregnant and I don't know if I should abort or not. I've grown attached to her, named her, talked to her, and love her. A part of me feels sick at the thought of her not being inside me anymore and aborting her. The guilt is eating at me. However I also know in my heart that she would not be coming in a stable environment and I can't do that to her. I don't have the proper environment nor finances for a baby. I'm a law student and my schedule does not allow me to work.

The relationship between the father and I have been rocky ever since we found out that I'm pregnant. He pushed for an abortion multiple times in a short time and I said no. However not that I'm far along he has not pushed for it again. He said he is willing to step up and take care of baby and I but at the same time he's already complaining about his life changing and making me feel guilty. I understand that he's allowed to feel how he feels and it’s a lot of responsibility to take on.

It’s just he phrases it in a way that makes me like the baby and I are both a burden and unwanted. I've cried so much the past few weeks. I've offered to quit school, go move back home with my family, and raise her by myself since it would be too much for him. It wouldn't be fair to him. He gets incredibly mad and scary when I say that because he says he refuses to be a deadbeat and that I'm just “making everyone’s lives difficult by acting like a child and making decisions based off your emotions”.

That he would make sure to take her away from me because I'm irrational but I don't think I'm being so. I know it would be hard to raise her on my own and it’s not a life I've envisioned for myself. My family members are happy for the baby coming but they also told me they would support me in whatever decision I make. They offered to help me in raising her. My family members are a bit older now and I feel as though it would be too much work for them to help me raise her physically. I can't ask that of them.

The father has a great job, is more financially capable, and his family is wealthy. I feel scared that he would use every single resource he has to take her away from me. He's threatened to do so before. I'm already emotionally and physically exhausted that I just don't know what to do anymore. A part of me wants to keep her and a part of me doesn't want to. I never wanted to have kids, didn't want to be a mother, and didn't want my body to change. I feel constantly conflicted and it’s taking a toll on my mental health.

I feel guilty because she's so big now. She kicks and moves a lot. She makes me laugh and I get happy but at the same time I can't give her what she needs. I can't be forever tied to this man and she doesn't deserve a father like him. I haven't been able to enjoy my pregnancy at all. He’s been emotionally and mentally abusive but at the same time sweet. It’s very confusing and I just need this situation to end already. I have an appointment booked in two weeks since that is the last and only opening available for me.

I have it booked just in case I decided to abort it. If anyone can give me advice, I’d greatly appreciate it.