I just need to get this off my chest before I explode

just need someone to talk but I’m a very lonely person.. also I don’t want judgement I guess I just want to vent

My relationship started off great. We talked and for the first 2 months of talking it was the best honestly. He doesn’t have a car but I understand situations and stuff. The first thing I caught him sending memes to a girl, this girls nickname on the instagram messages was “mami” I understandably was shocked. He told me it was his cousin and I got nervous because we weren’t dating but then the next day we talked about it and he lied it obviously wasn’t his cousin, I knew that. Well we talked about it he deleted her, there wasn’t any flirting. we moved on it was great

But he would bring up his exes a LOT. Like yes I understand talking about the trauma but it wasn’t always that. It was how much he did for them or about them. Very strange. we went to get dinner once it was like a date I had just moved into my new place and he was telling me about how he ‘came’ in her. I was obviously like wtf. Then he asked if I’ve ever had guys come on me and I told yes. He got angry went silent. We go back to my place he refuses to talk. Then he was on the phone with his friend talking about how he wants to leave. Backstory I had a very bad relationship months before this and I’m very traumatized. Anyways. I talk to him and he gets defensive. I start to cry and lock myself in my bathroom have a panic attack. We talk it out it’s fine. He still talked about his exes but we had many arguments about that. He actually has gotten better which I appreciate and see.

Well the next thing is he told me he had slept with this girl friend of his. But they still talked I told him I’m uncomfortable with that. Because she’d snap him or type in messages to get his attention. Well she called him one night and they talked on the phone for a minute. He says he doesn’t want to talk to her so why answer?? Whatever. Anyways, he lied to me about them texting once. Which I told him I didn’t appreciate but he unadded her on everything infront of me. Which I appreciate. So we stopped talking about it, she has a bf now anyways. But she still try’s to visit him at work cause he works at a car place

He gets extremely insecure when I post selfies even if it’s of just my face and not showing anything because of his exes replying to pictures when other guys would swipe up. Which I haven’t done. We’d get into arguments and he’d say it’s for attention he doesn’t care what I say. I post for my friends especially my makeup. But he doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve deleted every guy who has ever hit on me, who’s not a friend or who i don’t know. I’ve always blocked. I know I’m not perfect and I’ve calmed down on posting but it’s just frustrating because he can like pictures of his girl as a friend (different girl) in her bikini pictures in Hawaii but if I did I’d be the worst person ever and a wh**e. He basically called me a heand nasty for no reason. I don’t post nasty pictures or hethings. He’s just insecure cause his ex would send nudes to other men. Which I haven’t and I’ve never given him a reason. He doesn’t really chase me.. or want me because of what he went through. Well nothing is compromised really. I just stopped posting. His other ex had texted him he refused to show me what she said but he sent it to a friend so I know he didn’t cheat or anything.

He pushed me away today. He has pushed me up the stairs when I was joking with him and bent my finger, he’s punched a wall infront of me. He threw my food because he asked me if I wanted to eat it and I said not right now. He will jokingly hit me I guess you could say. It’s never in a moment of anger. But he’ll slap my face or hit my arm

Today we had a talk and it felt like he was only pointing out my flaws. He feels so distant. It breaks my heart because I’m fighting for something. He tells me everything he says goes over my head. Even tho I tell him I’ll work on not making him feel like he’s too much or not enough. I do get scared when he’s nice I’ve never had it but he doesn’t understand. He was telling me I don’t listen all I do is see negative things. But he says things like I use the excuse of being cheated on for reassurance. I only tell him that because he’ll bring up his exes cheating. He’s lied to me so yes I’m insecure. But I’m working on it. I don’t know I don’t want judgement. I’m just attached because when we are good he makes me laugh the most and the happiness. I just try to open up to him and it hurts. He’s not safe anymore. I’m starting to unattach but it’s hard, I’m addicted to how he feels when things are good. If I bring it up he gets mad at me because I dwell on things to much. But I’ve seen my friends in their relationships and even talked to a coworker and she told me her man doesn’t care. He’ll reassure her all day. Or am I crazy? Am I just the worst girlfriend ? I just feel like my brain is going crazy I haven’t ate today. I feel numb and just over love at this point. I want to just crawl in a hole.