I am disgusted by my coping mechanisms

(For context, my nmother kissed me on the lips for several years throughout my childhood, I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time, but whenever I got older and she remarried and took our kissing photos down, I realized something was in fact very wrong with the situation. She now denies anything like that ever happening, and I pretend to have repressed my entire childhood/aka forgot about the entire situation)

I (m17) am disgusted by myself. She started kissing me at age 4 and didn't stop until I was 9. I was hypersexual from ages 6-14, and only recently found myself to be fully recovered. She never raped me, and I didn't realize the situation was basically molestation until she had already stopped. But I miss it. I don’t mean I miss the kisses, I mean I miss her looking at me like she loves me. Now, everything is an argument, and she acts like I can't do anything right, and like I'm not her son. I miss it when she would yell at me and it would feel like she would have been doing it for my sake, as if that was her only way pf communication with me, and she just wanted me to turn out alright. I miss before I saw through her manipulation. I miss it whenever I was the "man" of the house after my birthfather left, and even though we had my brother (he's like 10 years older than I am) who still lived with us, I was her favorite. Which, in itself, is bittersweet.

I miss it when she would hold me, and sing me to sleep, and call me her sweet little boy, and I miss it so much that genuinely I find myself thinking about it and having to talk myself out of missing it because that's WHEN SHE FUCKING KISSED ME. I hate her and my emotional responses to everything she's done, but if I don’t stop feeling soon, then it's my memories controlling my life again. I can't go back to the way it was before I was stable