Verge of relapse

Around 5 years ago around this time I was very close to committing suicide. Life caught up with me and I would cut myself in the hope that I’d finally nick something or get something I couldn’t come back from. Every year since then, around this time. The thought comes back and for a while I could ignore it.

Now? It’s at the worse it’s been. It feels like an inevitability at this point. I hoped something would change in me but at this point, I can’t force myself to care anymore.

The “friends” I have treat me like a time bomb and the few people I “care” about I can’t even truly empathize with because I’ve been essentially emotionally lobotomized at this point. I’m hoping this post being here sits as a little shaming tool to keep me from hurting myself but idek what to do anymore. This can’t be my life it just can’t. I really don’t wanna be this thing anymore.