It's been a year, but I still miss you.

It's been over a year and I'm still looking at my phone wondering if I'll ever get a message "how are you" or "I'm thinking of you." You return my messages if I write them, but they are always short, and you never ask how I'm doing or try to keep the conversation going. It's clear it's one sided. Like you are wondering: how is it possible she still has feelings for me? Even though I loved you for over a year and you said you did too. It's like you took your feelings, and all those thoughts of loving me, wrapped them up in a box with a bow and shoved it into the back of your closet and haven't thought about them since. You respond, but only because you feel guilty to not respond.

You've moved on, to another city and country with a nice, new, shiny life. Meanwhile, I'm unemployed here following my professional setbacks, and AM having trouble moving on because my life is a mess. And I miss you. I think about calling you to tell you I'd give it all up and move to be with you, but am worried if I ever did that when I get there I'd feel even more alone. I'd still be chasing you even when I'm with you. And if I needed your help translating or help settling into the country, you would just get annoyed at me. And then I'd be in another country, alone, thinking how I spent more time investing in this relationship and how I should have tried finding someone while I still had the chance to have kids.

It just feels like a lose, lose no matter what I do. I think about calling you, but then hold back. But in the end it doesn't even matter, does it? For all I know you are happily in another relationship. Already moved on. So it's all just emotional/mental gymnastic isn't it?