I'm so broken, and I don't know where to turn.

Honestly, I'm just so broken. I am separated from my ex wife. I've been separated for about 3 years. I was homeless, but now I have a room somewhere, but no means to support my family or really even myself. I am looking for work.

I often lay awake at night asking God if this is really all he has for me? I hate that I'm alone at times, but honestly singleness has been a blessing too. I hate that I can't support my family. I hate that I don't have stable employment. I hate that I have a very strained relationship with one of my kids. I hate that I made a very terrible, and huge mistake about 3 years ago. I've tried to make things better. Some days are better than others. There are days I feel suicidal, and others contentedness. I'm all over the board.

I serve at my church in a variety of capacities while I look for work. I try to help others where I can too. The people at my church have been very supportive of me for the most part. There's a lady at my church (who happens to be in staff). She's (seemingly) flirted with me. I don't play that game, but man I'm torn. She has her own issues and is likely my age or very close. I'm torn because I want her. I thought it was merely lust (it certainly started that way at first), but the more I thought about, the more I believed we were compatible. I am aware of the prohibition on asking for relationship advice, so I'm not. I already know that the church administrator is forbidden fruit 🍓. She's married but separated, so I'm just not going to try and play that game by pursuing this unless I'm given an exceedingly clear signal by her that I should.

Again, I'm merely venting. But as I write this, I'm still asking "God, what do you want for me?"

Anyway thanks for listening.