Why am I like this

I am suddenly experiencing my true feelings of a few different "traumas" that occurred during my time in. I have laughed about these and pushed them off over the years not thinking much of them and it hit me hard suddenly. I run from therapy everytime I try (3 sessions in and I just cant bring myself to go back). Just so uncomfortable. The veterans crisis line feels so useless as well. I feel so pathetic when I try to talk about these things I often just push it to the back of my mind and avoid it for longer. I dont even know what to do anymore. Just feels bad lol.