I (24M) got my hopes up with a "friend" (24f) and now it feels like she never actually cared.

TLDR: I got close to a girl I met at a car meet, we texted a lot, flirted, and over time I caught feelings. When I told her, she revealed she had a boyfriend the whole time. I felt misled and hurt, so I decided to step back and keep my distance.

Full story: Every Friday I go to a local car meet, about an hour south from where I live. About 3 months ago a woman, Sophia, approached me there because I was the only one there, who had the same area code on their licence plate as she did (Licence plates in Germany always start with an area code like B for Berlin, M for München, HH for Hamburg and so on). She lives rather close to me and it was the first time she was at that car meet. She recently moved to my area from about 5 hours south and didn't know anyone else.

We started talking and I showed her around a bit. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night and that was that. We met again the next Friday and it went similarly. Showing her around, talking cars and other stuff, introduction her to some people, you get the gist.

So, after we met the second time, she asked me, if I would accompany her to a BMW specific meet on Sunday (she drives a BMW), since she still barely knows people. I obviously said yes. The meet was rather underwhelming so we left early. We then ended up at a park close to home and again just talked. During that conversation she then told me, that she's not looking for a relationship. I wasn't either, we still barely knew each other after all. We then talked about relationships in general and I also told her, that I've never been in a relationship before. She then talked about her last relationship. Basically, she was still in a relationship when she moved to my area about a year ago, but her ex cheated on her after just a very short time away and then blamed it on her. This made her feel, like their relationship wasn't ever "real". We also talked about other stuff, work, family, different places in our country and god knows what else. At around 9 in the evening, we then both went home.

Over the next few weeks we texted a whole lot and saw each other every Friday at the car meet. She wasn't the only one that I've spent time with there, I have friends that I've known for way longer, but I was pretty much the main person that she knew well. After some weeks I carefully tried some flirting. I was honestly a bit scared since I have absolutely no experience in this. She didn't shoot me down and even engaged with it. We never flirted much, but it did happen from time to time, mostly over text, rarely in person since I didn't have the courage for that. We still texted a whole bunch and still met every Friday.

One time she sent me screenshots of a past client of hers (she works in special needs care) texting her over Instagram and basically telling her that she's got great tits and that he wants pictures. She shot him down and we texted about it in a somewhat humorous way. This turned into slight flirting and I basically told her that, while I don't condone his behaviour, I at least share his opinion (liking her breasts). In the end I actually got a spicy pic out of that whole conversation. Not a nude, mind you, just very deep cleavage in a suggestive pose. Also a second picture of her in a cosplay that also shows off her body.

Remember, I have never been in a relationship and something like this was new and scary. The second I got that picture my heart absolutely started hammering in a mix of pure euphoria and absolute panic. Because, realistically, what the hell was I supposed to do now? Well, in the end I told her, that she does look absolutely great and then we ended up talking about cosplay, the character she portrayed, about conventions and about the idea of going to one together at some point.

A few days later, I asked asked her to meet me on a Thursday, since it would be the last opportunity to see her before I'd go on a vacation for a week and I'd like to see her before I leave. She agreed and came to my place. This wasn't the first time she's been here, but the first place it was just her and noone else. (Sometimes friends of mine meet up here, since I've got a pool table in my basement and enough space for a small group of people. It's a nice hangout spot.) Well, she ended up staying until 2 in the morning and we simply talked and talked and talked. It just felt comfortable to spend time with her like that, even if there was just very little flirting involved in the evening. I did want to ask for permission to cuddle her the whole time, but in the end I never had the courage to do so. When she left in the end, I stayed outside for half an hour or so, just thinking, trying to get my head straight. By then I realised, that I've developed feelings for her. That I wanted more.

Even when I then went on the roadtrip with my best friend, who I've known for over ten years, I was still constantly thinking about Sophia and also still texted with her a whole bunch. At this point I was struggling with myself. Do I tell her? Do I not? She did say, that she's not in it for a relationship, but that was nearly three months ago at this point and we've gotten way closer since then. Especially the pictures she's sent me gave me the confidence, that things might've changed. Friendly flirting is one thing, but that? And still, what if I've misread everything? I didn't want to ruin the connection that we've built either.

Well, I ended up telling her how I feel. And honestly, that's where everything fell apart. She turned me down. She told me, that she can't be in a relationship with me and that she's not the right one for me either. This obviously hurt, but it also left me with more questions than answers.

She didn't say she doesn't want to be with me, but that she can't be with me. That's not the same thing, and I wanted to know why she can't. What she meant by that. Well, she dodged that question, telling me that she can't answer it, because she doesn't want me to think badly of her. Yeah, that just left me with even more questions (and honestly some worries) but for the time being, I let it rest.

I then asked her, what she thinks of me and, if she can't be with me, why she responded to my advances up to that point.

Her answers were: She likes me, likes spending time with me and has fun with me/ feels comfortable with me. As for the why: She likes me and wanted me to like her as well.

After a while, I just couldn't let it rest and asked again, why she can't. What she means by that and why she fears that I'd think badly of her. She then told me, that she's not alone. I asked for clarification, asking if 'not alone' means shes still in a relationship, and she confirmed that.

That hurt. A lot. But, being the naive idiot I am, I tried to play it of. I continued the conversation. I asked something along the lines of "didn't you tell me, your last boyfriend cheated on you? How come your current boyfriend wasn't ever a topic? Especially when we first talked about relationships, you told me, that you're single?". She then clarified, that she said, that she only wanted friendship and that she didn't want her current relationship to be a topic we talk about. Well, I did understand the first thing, but it felt like that changed over time. The second thing (her not being single) previously sounded very different to me, and I did tell her that. I also told her, that being in a relationship isn't a bad thing and that it confuses me, why she hid that at all. She then told me that she hid it, because it's not a happy relationship.

Everything that follows, was probably just mistake after mistake by me.

So, smart cookie that I am, I tried offering her advice. Well, not immediately. First I told her, that I really didn't need another reason to worry about her, but she's just given me one (She also has issues with her work and with her step-father that we've talked about a lot before). And then I tried offering help and advice. In the following conversation I asked about the relationship and why she's unhappy. Well, in her words, her boyfriend only plays video games, doesn't do anything together with her, doesn't drive a car and doesn't share any interests with her anymore. I then asked her, why she's even still with him then, if everything is so bad. What good qualities are there in the relationship? She then told me that he pays the rent for their apartment. Up until now, I didn't know they live together.

I continued being anything but smart and offered her more help. Asked her what she thinks about getting her own apartment. I also told her, that she could temporarily live with me until she finds a place of her own. We talked a bit more about that whole topic and then she told me, that she needs time to let all that sink in. I then asked about what she earns and did some math, proving that she could definitely afford her own apartment, though it wouldn't be huge, if she wanted some money left over.

We then talked about normal things again, though I was honestly hiding just how much all this had hurt me. I even cried, but I still justified her behaviour in my mind at this point. Or tried to, at least. Basically: "She must've felt trapped and I was a safe space for her. It's understandable, why she didn't want to tell me about her relationship at first." Probably the least smart thing in this whole ordeal.

In the following week or so, I tried talking normally with her. All of it over text. We again texted a whole bunch over different topics, though it didn't feel as deep as before. One such topic was the idea of going shopping together in a nearby outlet center. We're both in need of some new clothes so the idea formed. A few days after that Idea formed, I asked her, if she's still interested in going with me. She then told me, that she's going there on Saturday. After asking, if she's going there alone, she revealed, that she's going there with her boyfriend.

This felt like yet another gut punch, but I tried to stay positive. I asked her for some clarification, since the last conversation about her relationship made it sound, as if she's only still with him, because he pays the rent. But now they're going shopping? Well, as it turns out, she's given him an ultimatum. Either something changes or she's leaving him. This all made me realise, just how much the whole thing with her was actually hurting me. Or rather said, I already knew how much it was hurting and simply couldn't ignore it anymore. So, once again, I wanted some clarifications from her. And I wanted her to know my side of the whole thing.

I told her how getting to know her, the half truths and all that felt to me, how it felt like building up a real connection only to have the rug pulled from under me. Then I asked her three questions: 1: What was the state of their relationship, when the whole thing between her and me happened? 2: Why did she even respond to me like that, even though she was still in a relationship? 3: How does she even see me?

At first she only answered the last question. Her answer: "I like you and I like spending time with you." I then said, that she only answered the easiest of the three questions. She then answered no. 2: "I think I responded to it, because I'm used to it. Never had male friends before." Yet another gut punch. Great.

I told her, that she made it sound like it would've happened with any other guy out there too, like it didn't matter who I was. Her answer: "Not with anyone else. We get along and can talk well too."

As much as that hurt, I then told her, that she still didn't answer the first question. What was the state of their relationship, when she was responding to my advances? The answer: "bad." No more, no less.

I then sent her the following message: "You really only say just enough for it to be seen as an answer, huh?

Over time, I've really come to terms with being single and probably staying that way forever. I was done with the subject. At least that's what I thought.

Now I suddenly had hope. Suddenly there was a chance. Maybe I was wrong, but it was still too late to unfeel that.

And now that the can of worms has been ripped open, I suddenly feel how damn lonely I actually feel 90% of the time.

I just wanted to finally belong to someone."

She then told me that I'll find someone too. And I even APOLOGISED for putting all on that onto her! She told me that I'm "nice and funny" and that I just need to meet some girls. My response: "nice and funny, but never the first choice." Not my proudest moment.

Then I told her, that I'll just shut up for now because I'm not thinking straight. She didn't respond to that.

A day later I've sent her the following message: "I think it's best if I keep my distance for now. If there really is something wrong and you need help, you have my number, but you really hurt me. And all because you didn't seem to think about what you were doing. It seems to me now that you didn't give a shit who I was. The main thing is to be friendly, and you respond to my crap. I really, really got my hopes up at times. You got me out of my rut for the first time in quite a long time, made me think I had a chance. It probably wasn't intentional, at least I don't want to believe that, but it still hurts.

If you had just not reciprocated my feelings, okay ouch but I can cope with it or can try to cope with it. But the fact that you had a boyfriend all this time makes me look like an absolute idiot. As if I was just a nice distraction when things didn't go as you'd hoped. Now I'm wondering why you ever responded to me. A real reason, not “because you're used to it”.

Enough people around me also noticed that we were together quite a lot. I can't count how many times I've been asked if there's anything going on between us. The answer was always the same. "No, but let's see. I'm interested." If I'd known from the start that you were taken, it wouldn't have started at all. I would have categorized it differently straight away.

Instead, I drove myself completely crazy just to look stupid in the end."

She didn't respond to that either. That was Tuesday. On Saturday I told her, that even though I need distance, she isn't banned from attending the car meets, just because I could be there too. Her only response:

"I know."

We haven't talked since. That was two days ago.

Now here's the thing: I know I wasn't smart in the way I handled things. And I also know that there's no chance of an actual relationship forming here. I just needed somewhere to put all this.