Struggling to let go after 13 years together — torn between history and healing

Hi everyone,
My therapist suggested I try opening up in a space like this. I’m in the middle of an emotional tug-of-war since separating from my ex — the person I’ve been with for 13 years. We started dating when I was 16. We never married but we have two kids together and a long, complicated history. Over the years, we’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count.

Last summer, I left. He told me he was ready to change, and I still loved him, so I moved back in. But within a couple of weeks, I knew I’d made a mistake. I stayed until the week before Christmas, despite feeling severely depressed — like I was losing my will to keep going.

I’ve made mistakes in our relationship. I struggled with addiction, and there was infidelity in the past. But I’ve been in therapy and working with psychiatry since 2017. I’ve done — and continue to do — the work to become a better version of myself.

He once apologized and admitted that during my lowest points, he would “rub my face in the dirt.” That has stuck with me. I’ve been out of the house since December. I’ve started dating someone new — someone kind, consistent, and supportive of me and my kids. He shows up in ways my ex never did. I can see a future with him. But despite that… I still feel emotionally tied to my ex.

My family and friends call him manipulative — some even say he’s narcissistic. And a lot of times, I agree. When I read back through my journals about the things he said and did, it’s honestly disturbing. No one should have to endure that. But then he swears he’s changed. He says he’s not that person anymore — and now he’s planning to give this “new version” of himself to someone else. That’s been hard to sit with.

He recently told me he’s getting close to giving another woman his “loyalty” and is making a decision soon. And honestly, I think I need to respect that. But it hurts. I had always hoped that if we were ever going to try again, it would be with intention — with therapy, growth, and accountability. I’ve told him I still get anxious and uneasy around him. Almost every time we talk, I walk away feeling confused or emotionally scrambled.

But he doesn’t want therapy. He says we should just “naturally find our way back” — and that I’m too demanding now, that my standards are too high, and it’s probably too late because I didn’t give him a real chance when I left. Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, raising our kids, going to nursing school, and dating someone who actually wants to build a life with me. But I’m still stuck in this emotional loop, wondering what if.

I think the hardest part is the guilt. I left because of the emotional abuse. But part of me still believes maybe he treated me that way because I was such a mess back then. Like it’s somehow all my fault.

If anyone’s ever been in a similar place — stuck between knowing it’s over and still feeling like you can’t let go — how did you move forward? How do you accept that it’s really done, even when you gave so much of your life to someone?

Thanks for reading. I really needed to let this out.