Just had a nightmare...and after being in this community for only 2 days, the results were...interesting

I have trauma. I have a predisposition to feeling anxiety. I've been labeled as having an anxiety disorder. Now I recognize why my anxiety has been so torturous for me to deal with. I've been trying to control it, run away from it, banish it forever. I've been conditioned to fight it by my abuser. She trained me to constantly feel the need to defend myself and feel intimidated. I've been trained to believe it's a demon that needs to be exorcised.

I have had issues with extremely distressing nightmares all of my life. The anxiety feels very different from how it did when I was a kid, back when I simply accepted it as part of my state of being, the creature, the person I am. Upon becoming trained to view it as something "wrong" with me, something that needs to be fixed, it felt very heavy, very intense, and something I couldn't accept, something I felt the need to get rid of, view as a sign of disorder. It stopped feeling good. It stopped feeling like another part of me.

This time, it felt freeing to simply recognize that "oh no! It's happening again! I'm having a nightmare again!" then I thought "Wait. Instead of running and trying to reason, maybe I should just give in? Let it consume me?" I did. And..

I was scared. Horrified by what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, and even reading. But it felt real. It felt genuine. It felt, as strange as it sounds...good, freeing even! The fear was there, the trauma was there, but it didn't leave me feeling helpless, ashamed and defeated. It felt more like an embrace of another suffering being telling me "look. I know you're scared of me, but I really mean you no harm. Honestly, I'm just as scared as you are, if not more so. Let's do this together as a team. I'll be here for you." I know that's a really weird way of explaining anxiety, but that's how it seemed!

My anxiety, my doubts, my depression. It's not this horrible monster that needs to be slayed. It just needs me to recognize that it needs me, to see that it's not this nasty creature that it's been painted as. It can be useful. It really can be my friend.

I've been trained by the people who want me to suffer, by society that my anxiety is something to demonize, but I think that has actually caused me way more suffering than what is useful or necessary. Rationalizing it, trying to justify it, explain it away, defend myself all the time I think in part has conditioned me to be in extreme denial of my feelings. After all, abusers tend to want their victim to fight and be strong so they can beat them down again. it's part of the game they play. Make them feel comfortable, trauma bond them, build up their hope, then slash it down when they least expect it! Rinse, repeat.

Reclaiming my anxieties, fears, trauma, depression, and sense of being other, nonhuman, inhuman, subhuman...it feels really fucking good now!