Good day bad day

Yesterday was a really good day. Today is a really bad one.

I’m 37 and my life just got flipped on its head due to my own bullshit. I’ll tell you all the truth and you may tell me I should kill myself. My four year relationship and only 3 months long engagement just ended a few weeks ago after my fiancée found out I’d been cheating on her throughout the relationship.

Now I’m not contemplating suicide because of the break up honestly. Although it is part of the thought process. I fully support that the relationship needed to end. I wasn’t ready to be in one let alone a marriage. I held on even though I knew I wasn’t ready because I knew the darkness that was waiting for me if I were to be single and alone. I didn’t want to keep cheating on her but I’ve been separately dealing with a Sex addiction for many years. My cheating was with sex workers. I was always safe and neither of us caught anything if you all are wondering.

I know the aspect of it being an addiction doesn’t change anything and I’m still a piece of shit for keeping it from her. My relationship with her was just the first time since my mother passed when I was 20 that I felt I had someone in my life to truly lean on and be loved by. It was actually in this most recent relationship that I learned that my biggest issues really originate from within myself. For a long time I thought my deep sadness and grief was because I didn’t have the right people around me and that was why I always felt so incomplete and needing more. But she was as close to a perfect partner as you could ever imagine. I’m really disappointed in myself for choosing to take advantage of her the way that I did and knowing why I did it only confuses me. Because while I know it was wrong I still can’t think of another way I could have gotten through those four years without her.

But now I’m facing life solo again. I do have friends although I lost a few after they found out what Id done. But what has my ideation running rampant is that I have to work two jobs and 70-80 hours a week to just barely get by. I’m exhausted physically, and I was already having a lot of mental and emotional health issues prior to my new reality. I’m trying to manage my guilt, rebuild a life that is manageable, and have some hope that things won’t always be this difficult. But I keep finding myself in this situation.

The title is good day bad day because yesterday I had a great day. I had some faith in my ability to take care of myself and turn my life around. But today somehow all that Hope and Faith is gone. The whiplash of that change in heart makes me think any good days are just setups for a major downturn.

I don’t think I’m looking for anything really. Just wanted to talk and hopefully have someone… anyone listen.

I know because of what I’ve done that I don’t really deserve anything good. But I think I have to still live a life. For one thing, I have a child who needs me (from a previous relationship). I grew up without a father and I refuse to leave my child without one or with one who can’t function properly. I have to be better even if not for myself.

I hope that my ex heals from the pain I caused her and is able to see what I did for what it was …an indictment on my character and as nothing to do with her or who she is.

I have years of hard work ahead of me and not much of a support system behind me. It’s the weight of the road ahead that makes me want to end it and check out. I’ve been trying to be better for so long and not making much improvements. Allowing myself to be an asshole in the relationship was me taking a break from trying to be good because I’d tried so much before and it wasnt working. I know that doesn’t make sense but it’s where my head was at.

Honestly writing this out is taking some of the weight off and I will make it to the next day. I just hope someday in the future I’m not needing or hoping for a way out.