Why do i feel that if i let things get physical then the love i adore will take a dirty turn?

After having multiple sexual abuse incidents since i was kid who dint even know what’s wrong or right! I cannot see romantic love as normally as other people do. I mean i really have no idea how the thought of romanticising love begins with love. I am not yet healed and still get triggered, have attacks and unstable mental health. But i feel like even if I’ll someday feel okay to yk move forward in some relationship I won’t find it comforting. I’ll feel like the love i am adoring or i feel this is something deep and whose essence feels serene will get dirty. Why? Maybe i have been feeling dirty about the touches all these years? Maybe? Idk? Has someone felt the same?