He cheated on me, so I left him right before a major surgery.

Our entire nine-year relationship was working towards (Dave 37m) getting a major back surgery. We had a rough surgery date and approximately a year to prepare. I was working away from home and had a well-paying job. Dave didn't have a job. I was paying for all our expenses other than half the rent, and saving so I could take time off while he recovered.

The thing that is wild to me is despite all the things I(37 f) was doing he started to resent me. All he wanted was for me to be home all the time. To help with his emotional state, and support him...even more. In late December he told me he had an affair. While I was at work because "the guilt was killing him." I was alone, and I grieved for my future. The entire life I had, and the person I believed him to be evaporated. But I wasn't done yet.

I tried on reconciliation for real. In our first couples therapy appointment, he dominated the session. He described me with absolute disdain. I took it because I was witnessing what healing could look like. Turns out it was full of blaimshifting, and an unwillingness to acknowledge my experience. My perspective wasn't permitted to exist, because it was contradictory to his. I'd say "I don't feel respected, or loved." He'd say "That isn't true I love you completely, and respect you." Every time I asked why did this happen? He couldn't answer without pointing at me. I laid out clear boundaries for the relationship. Including him starting therapy, and if he wasn't in therapy I would end the relationship. He went to his first session, and told me the therapist said "You don't need therapy." I waited and asked when his next appointment was and he said "it is not a priority for me right now."

A few days later I ended the relationship. He immediately lashed out at me, and the superiority started to show up. The separation has been brutal. He has projected all the major hits onto me. Such as "I don't trust you. You are toxic and abusive. I handled you with kid gloves. If I do anything that ever bothers you don't tell me about it. You aren't capable of self-awareness and growth." Including threatening to throw my things on the lawn. I also opted to leave him...everything plus half of the savings I had accumulated for his surgery.

The part that I am struggling with is why. The choice to become absolutely vial, and continue to blameshift. I did so much for this man. Just why? He made the choices. He chose to cheat. He chose to ignore the communicated boundaries. He chose to go through this surgery and recovery alone. There were so many opportunities to be better. I could have worked past the cheating, but what I couldn't ignore was who he was after.