Mourning the life I'll never have

Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid, I'm literally just venting.

God, why did things had to be like this? For years I've been to search for a purpose, thinking that maybe I was born sick for a reason.

But that's all just cope, I just got bad luck, no one asked for this, maybe in a way I'm the one who asked to be sick, it was my decision to leave the womb 2 months earlier than expected.

Still, maybe it's selfish from me to say this, but I really want to have a family and friends. I've caused nothing but pain to my family, I'm so high-maintenance that they've had to sacrifice many things, only for me to end up working at a call center job where I get abused as I should.

I don't really have friends, on June I tried to order the switch 2, long-story short I got scammed, I basically lots the money and my friends told me that I deserve it because I'm stupid, I appreciate the honesty but I don't know man, I'm tired.

I keep seeing all of these normal people, having normal lives, kissing eachother, hugging eachother, holding hands, carressing their faces, women talking about how their boyfriend comes out of their dreams.

Meanwhile I come out of their nightmares, I think I'll go to hell and I'm scared, I don't think that God exists, but if he does I hope he can forgive me for messing up so bad and so much.