my rapist is an armed responder and i don't know what to do.

If you'd like to comment, just do so, with whatever, reassurances, input, anything really. TW for child sexual abuse as well as grooming

I, 16F, have suffered my entire life. This man is my cousin, we'll call him Len (25M), the age gap is 9ish to 10 years since he has a late birthday) he sexually abused me from the ages of 5 to 9ish 10. For anyone saying could have been cocsa, he was aware. He was very aware of what he was doing. Boys at that age aren't sexually stupid, at least not him, if it was cocsa, he wouldn't have continued it and intensified it in his adulthood.

Len was the only person as a kid that I genuinely trusted. I loved him, and he started off very gentle, but got rougher and rougher to the point where I have physical scars left on my body around my vagina as a result of his actions. For reference, these activities started spanned out, as a game, over months, then it became weeks, and eventually I stayed at my grandparents house where he would often visit like a second home, and he spent a week straight sexually torturing me. Only my parents and siblings (as well as the social services) know about this, and not even the full extent: They think he just made me suck him off, but it was so much more than that. I forced the case to close when I spoke up to my therapist about it at 13, and it's stayed closed. No one else in the family knows.

Sometimes, when I'm triggered or having flashbacks, I'll look at his online profiles: He recently just got a brand new job, we're talking he got this job around February, March, of 2025. He's an emergency armed responder. He's living out his dream while I'm stuck sobbing into my pillow knowing I'll never have a proper relationship because I keep having stupid flashbacks of things that happened years ago. I don't know what to do, I'm so stuck in this constant cycle of thinking I'm over what he did and then craving his touch once more. He made me rely on him, I feel like I need him to breathe, even after all this time. We haven't seen each other in 4 years, and I'm glad, really, but sometimes I just want to curl up into his arms and let him hurt me again, because at least he made me feel genuinely loved, genuinely cared about. I feel like no one will love me how he did, and yet he didn't even care about me, he just wanted a sex toy to use and I was the easiest option. He's living his dream, and I'm sat here wilting away because I can never get over the feeling of his dick and how it felt ripping me open. I hate being anxious, because then it feels like he's inside me, and then I get angry, and then I'm frustrated. I can't live like this, constantly in the shadow of a man who probably doesn't even remember my face.